Seriously, stop talking nowApril 6th, 2006 @ 8:00 am
The King’s Dad called us last night in a frantic. Apparently the contractor we had found to demo the house next week had a change of plans and if we wanted him to tear it down at all, it had to be today.
Which meant The King had to leave the apartment to run over to the house and get everything ready last night. Something he wasn’t ready to do. All of his tools were over at his parents house. He didn’t even have a hammer. I just kept thinking that maybe this was a blessing. Better to get it torn down today then next week when I might be in labor. Or something. (as if this baby is ever going to come out of me!)
So the house comes down today. The King will have to sneak over there during the day to see how things are going. Can you believe it only takes a day to tear down a house that probably took months and months to build? It’s amazing.
As if on cue, my Mom called as soon as The King left last night (she always seems to avoid him, which is odd). She wanted to know how I was feeling and to tell me that a women at the hospital she works at (yes, my Mom is a nurse in a hospital nursery) had a baby today and her due date was April 13th, which is 3 days after mine. Thanks Mom, just rub it in a little.
This is when the phone conversation got really odd. And by odd, I mean, so odd that I can’t stop thinking about it.
Mom: I talked to the head OB nurse at work today about you. She told me to tell you what you need to do to start your labor.
Isabel: We’ve read it all Mom. It’s in all of our books. And they told us all about it at our Childbirth class. Don’t worry. We know.
(Side note: don’t all pregnant women get sick of people telling them to have sex? We get it. Don’t worry. And mostly, our bellies are too big to have sex. But thanks for bringing that up!)
Mom: She said to wake up on Saturday morning and have sex.
Isabel: (totally uncomfortable already) Right Mom. We know.
Mom: But she said not just any sex. Hard-core sex. You need to start necking and petting. And make sure there is some intense nipple stimulation.
(Oh the horror of the words she was using: necking, petting, hard-core. Words I had hoped my Mom didn’t even know. Make it stop. Make it stop!)
Isabel: Mom, I KNOW. I don’t need you to tell me!
Mom: This needs to go on for a while. And don’t wait until Saturday night. Because then you’ll be too tired for anything hard-core. And too tired for labor.
Isabel: Okay, Mom SHUT UP! I don’t want to talk to anyone about this. Especially NOT YOU.
Mom: (sounding surprised and hopefully a little embarrassed) Oh? Okay. So call me after your appointment tomorrow. Okay?
Isabel: (my voice shaking a little) Okay, bye.
This is when I go and take a shower. I must cleanse myself.
The New House · They're just my family · We're having a baby
Anth
said,
April 6, 2006 at 9:55 am
Okay I am so freaked out that your mother used the phrase “intense nipple stimulation” to you. I think I might need a shower too. (Though it’s kind of cute that necking & petting qualify as “hard core” sex to her.)
alana
said,
April 6, 2006 at 9:55 am
Oh boy. You poor, poor thing. Let’s hope the baby comes soon and you won’t have to experience such a conversation with your mother ever again.
Heather
said,
April 6, 2006 at 9:56 am
That’s hillarious!! And totally something my mother would do!! I remember when I was in college being SO disgusted when they would even mention that they might possibly have sex SOMETIME in this millenium!! (And they mention it A LOT!!)
jessica
said,
April 6, 2006 at 10:02 am
Ha ha! Why is it so difficult for kids to hear/think about their parents having sex? My least favorite thing is when it takes me a few rings to answer the phone and my Mom greets me with, “Oh, I’m sorry were you having sex? Is that why it took you so long to answer?” Gah. Yes. Shower.
Mrs. Ca
said,
April 6, 2006 at 10:09 am
napagirl
said,
April 6, 2006 at 10:18 am
OH SNAP! That was hilarious. I could see one of your girlfriends or crazy blogger girlfriends telling you that….but YOUR MAMA!??? Too funny. I bet the King got a kick out of that!
Brittany
said,
April 6, 2006 at 10:22 am
Oh my heck! You’re totally going into labor on Saturday-without the hard core sex-but your mom will think you acted on her advice and you’ll get a big, fat, “I told you sex would do it!”
Maybe then she’ll have a little more respect for the King.
cursingmama
said,
April 6, 2006 at 10:59 am
oooohhhhhh **shudder** Moms are not supposed to say hard core unless it’s in relationship to knitting or cookie baking………….
Sarah
said,
April 6, 2006 at 11:07 am
You should call your mom and tell her all of these made up, really “hard core” things you tried and that none of it’s working. Make her squirm a little!
liberalbanana
said,
April 6, 2006 at 11:44 am
Oh my GOD, that is too funny! I would’ve said the exact same thing to my mom if she’d told me to have sex! ESPECIALLY like THAT! I probably would’ve hung up on her or just started saying, “LA LA LAAA! I can’t hear you!!!”
DeAnn
said,
April 6, 2006 at 12:22 pm
Ha! I love your mom right now.
hardtoimagine
said,
April 6, 2006 at 12:23 pm
I had almost the exact same conversation when I was getting near my due date, only it was with my sister instead of my mother. Much better situation I think! I would have laughed so hard if my mom said those words to me!
girl from florida
said,
April 6, 2006 at 12:55 pm
HAHAHA! My mom gave me the same advice (although without the helpful details your mom offered you :)) My husband is happily helping out, but really, this belly is not the sexiest thing in the world (nor is it easy to work around if you know what I mean).
Hilary
said,
April 6, 2006 at 1:35 pm
Bwaaa-haaaa-haaaaaa! That made me laugh SO hard!
I think some man just made up the whole sex thing b/c they know it’s their last chance to get it for six weeks.
Hilary
said,
April 6, 2006 at 2:06 pm
This post has been removed by the author.
jen
said,
April 6, 2006 at 2:12 pm
oh noooooooo.
Oh.
NOOOOOOOOOO she DID NOT SAY THOSE THINGS!
How do you look her in the eye after that conversation at your next meeting?
The humanity!!!
I could probably deal with the sex comment (as in singular. ONE COMMENT. IN PASSING. STATING THE OBVIOUS.!)…but once she went down the “hardcore” road….[shudder]
No, no…no…
Stephanie A.
said,
April 6, 2006 at 5:20 pm
How embarrassing! I love that you had to shower.
What is it with moms? While having dinner out, in public, my mom asked me if I knew that Adam could kill me and the baby by giving me oral sex while I was pregnant. Eeeeeek! Moms.
kerri
said,
April 6, 2006 at 7:07 pm
SO great. And by “great” I mostly mean “hilariously scary.” But yes, definitely hilarious.
Nap Queen
said,
April 6, 2006 at 8:12 pm
OMG, OMG, OMG. I’m speechless. That is one of the most horrific things I have read in a long time. I am truly sorry, but I so want to link to this post because it RULES!
Frema
said,
April 6, 2006 at 8:25 pm
Oh, my God. My mom and I talked about sex once, on the morning of my senior prom. She said, “Promise me you won’t have sex tonight, Frema. Promise!”
And I didn’t. Technically.
Lisa
said,
April 6, 2006 at 8:55 pm
Yes, that would SO freak me out if “The General” tried to tell me stuff like that.
Twenty years from now you will probably still remember that because it has been seared into your brain. heehee
Shannon
said,
April 7, 2006 at 7:04 am
OH. MY. GOD.
Moms should never, ever say “hard core sex.”
No seriously.
My daughters are freaking out right now because I typed it - and they have no idea why - and they are 50 miles away at day care…and they are 4 and 2.
Seriously, moms shouldn’t say it!
Hang in there, sweetie, not much longer now!!
Durga&Michael
said,
April 7, 2006 at 7:58 am
hahaha OMG hahaha that’s like so uncomfortable…but funny. Funnily enough your post educated me- i didnt know having sex near to the due date induces labor. hahaha
If anyone would say these things to me it would be Michael’s mum and eldest sister…who have a blast talking abt their’s and other people’s sex lives around me…..made me throw up on the way home one night when they gave some ‘tips’ on what i should do in bed with Michael. Let me remind u…this is HIS mum and sister.
Victoria Winters
said,
April 7, 2006 at 8:35 am
Oh man, that’s wrong. Too much from a mother…if mine ever uses the words “hard-core” I’m hanging up.
The King
said,
April 7, 2006 at 8:48 am
is that conversation with your mom true? i’m actually really disturbed and at this point have lost any shred of respect. that’s really none NONE!!!!!!!! of her f-ing business and its disgusting that she would even bring it up. i’m hoping that is fiction. and the fact that she called again the following day is surprising too. i mean come on. i dont think i can even look her in the eye now. i’m not sure how you could either.
Fraulein N
said,
April 11, 2006 at 10:03 am
I just died of embarrassment for you.