Me feeling sorry for myself
Posted by Isabel on July 31st, 2006. Filed under: Me.I’m just going to pretend that I didn’t miss out on the biggest blogger event of the century this past weekend. Apparently all the cool people went. Maybe next year I’ll be braver and go….
The King and I (sarcastically) laugh about how things always work out for our friends. It seems like we’re the ones busting our butts and working hard for everything we have, while all of our friends sit back and have things just given to them. I mean, we’re driving one car and they’re being given cars. For free. It just never seems fair.
Look at me, I’m feeling all sorry for myself. Which is never pretty.
But really, we work hard. And things come harder for us. Nobody’s giving us anything. On paper that sounds like the best thing. It makes us appreciate what we have, blah, blah, blah. I mean, I know that we’re better off for it. I figure people don’t give us stuff, because they know we can handle things on our own.
Does it sound like I’m tying to convince myself? Because I sort of am.
So we had this baby back in April. Maybe you’ve heard me talk about my Sweet Babboo. We love him, we really do. I love him. He’s amazing.
Motherhood suited me. I liked being a Mom. It came, uncharateristically, naturally to me. I walked around with a smile on my face and a spring in my step. I started my sentences with “my baby is so perfect, he…”, and gushed over his awesome sleeping habits.
Babboo took to breastfeeding so easily. He rarely ever had a diaper explosion. He liked bath time, and loved being in the car. He also loved to shop and would be so great for hours in his stroller as I drug him all over downtown. He rarely cried. And if he did cry, I could always console him. The King and I never thought twice about taking him with us wherever we went. Babboo’s probably eaten in more restaurants in his first 2 months of life then I did in my first 15 years of life.
What we had was the ideal baby.
For the first time in my life I felt like I was doing something right. I felt blessed that things were going so well for us. I knew it was a lot of luck. I knew things weren’t going well because of anything I did. The King and I often talked about how this whole Parenthood thing was the perfect match for us. We even said that we should have done this years ago.
Then things changed.
Babboo decided that he didn’t want to sleep through the night anymore. He decided he wanted to wake up two or three times a night. Something he didn’t even do when he was a newborn. How could he need to eat at night when I know he can go without it?
And the crying. The crying is a new thing. And it cuts like a knife.
He cries in the middle of the night, he cries in the morning, he especially cries when I’m trying to work from home. Yes, the working from home thing isn’t working out so much. And then there’s the whole thing about the daycare bumping us off their list. We’re hoping to be able to get him into daycare sometime in September. Which doesn’t seem that far away, but it really is. Especially when we’re driving Babboo back and forth to The King’s Mom’s house 3 days a week.
I dread the days I work from home. It would just be so much easier if I could go into work and get my 8 hours in and then go home and give myself 100% to Babboo. So much easier. But again, on paper working from home is the best thing. I know it’s better to be with my son for a few days a week. I just can’t actually get any work done on the days I’m home. I’m too busy trying to get him to not cry.
The King and I are trying to decide what’s the best solution for this. And is there any solution? We can’t ask The King’s Mom to give up her life and watch Babboo 5 days a week. That’s too much to ask. We don’t have a daycare we can take him to. And let’s face it, we’re poor. We can’t afford much.
We went for a walk this weekend and ran into a young lady from Church. She works at a kid’s store in the mall. We started talking and getting to know her. Then she informed us that before her and her husband moved to Seattle she was a nanny.
The light bulb goes off.
A nanny, you say?
“Would you be interested in maybe, sometime, if you can, watching Babboo a day or so a week?”
She said yes. She would love it! (who wouldn’t?) When we talked to her more about it at Church yesterday, she even said that she wouldn’t charge us. She’ll do it to help us out.
“Not charge us? We would never ask you to do that! Never!” (but it sure does sound good!)
As it stands, she works 4 three hour shifts a week at the kid’s store. We thinking we’re just tell her to just quit that job and we’ll pay her the same (or more) and she can watch Babboo a few days a week for us. Hooray.
We’re taking her and her husband out to dinner tonight to get to know her a little better and to familiarize her with our apartment. Tomorrow will just be a “test run” for both her and Babboo.
Sounds great, right?
Except that this awesome couple is only here for 3 more weeks. They’re just here for the summer while the husband has an internship. Crap.
Then we’re back to square one and no solid plan.
And I’m back to feeling miserable about myself and trying to figure out how I can be the super wife, mom and employee that I want to be. I don’t know how all you women do it. And do it so well.
What’s your secret?
July 31st, 2006 at 3:10 pm
It’s perfectly ok to feel sorry for yourself once in a while. Totally understandable! I’m feeling left out, too, because I’m not part of the BlogHer crowd, but deep down I know I could never pull it off anyway because I’m neither cool enough nor outgoing enough, so may I join you in feeling sorry for myself?? Ok, sounds good. Let’s go get Blizzards, ok?
July 31st, 2006 at 3:20 pm
I’m not a mom, so I’m not even going to begin to claim to know how to help with the crying and the not sleeping. But I will say that it’s perfectly fine to feel sorry for yourself once in a while. It happens to everyone.
And, on the bright side, even though your new nanny is only here for 3 weeks, at least you’ll have 3 more weeks to figure out how to make the no daycare situation work. Plus, in 3 weeks it will be the end of August, which means it will ALMOST be September, which means hopefully Baboo will be in daycare very soon after those 3 weeks are over. I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed for you that for once things might work themselves out for you and Baboo will be given a spot in Daycare very soon without you and the King having to work even harder than you already are.
July 31st, 2006 at 3:37 pm
Well, at least you know you were very lucky to have Babboo be such a perfect baby in the beginning – but cut yourself, and Babboo, a little slack. He is growing, and sometimes during growth spurts the baby will get so hungry his little belly will ache. All his energy and fuel is going towards helping him grow and develop. This is why he can’t sleep through the night without eating, like he used to. It’s just a stage, and nothing you’re doing wrong. You are a great mother. And like all stages, this one will end and then there will be a new one. Like when he gets teeth, or rolls over.
And I know how it feels to watch your peers breeze easily through life while you work so hard to do the same thing. But honestly, it makes you a better person. I know that is a cliche and offers no comfort while you’re in the thick of it, but it’s true.
July 31st, 2006 at 4:15 pm
Well, we don’t have kids yet, so I can’t help you out on that front, but I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. I can so relate to what you were saying about how things happen for others but not for us – we talk about that a lot. It does make me appreciate what I have more, but it doesn’t keep me from wishing it were the other way.
July 31st, 2006 at 5:05 pm
It is my belief that women who appear to be perfect wives, mothers, and employees are in fact just really good magicians. It’s all sleight-of-hand.
If you find evidence to the contrary, please don’t tell me, because I need to believe that my severely sub-standard efforts are acceptable.
July 31st, 2006 at 5:15 pm
Ha!
Yes, the rest of us are perfect. La la la, skipping around, having free stuff handed to us… ok, so I did get to go to BlogHer for free… but that was PURE DUMB LUCK!
Anyway, I totally agree with Julie. I think behind closed doors we all struggle and lose sleep and stress. And it sucks. I have little pity parties for myself ALL THE TIME! But then I grab a cup of tea, and suck it up, and trudge forward, because really, what choice do any of us have?
Count your blessing, kiss your husband, and give your adorable baby a big hug. You’ll be ok.
Oh, and you didn’t miss too much at the BlogHer conference… just a bunch of “famous” bloggers who I’d never heard of anyway. I do plan to blogroll all of the new interesting blogs I discovered over the weekend and you can link to them from me. It’ll be just like you were there yourself.
July 31st, 2006 at 5:15 pm
OK, about the sleep and crying? Sounds like a good ol’ developmental spurt/sleep regression. Moxie is a God-send in helping the rest of us deal with these things: Click here and hope for the best b/c my html skills stink. We, too, brought home an angel who decided to grow a set of devil horns around four months of age. (OK, so he’s still mostly an angel, but at the time it was pretty miserable).
MY secret? Heh. Like I’ve said before, I do a LOT of faking it. Probably not so healthy, but it’s the only way I know how to deal sometimes.
About the daycare and everything else working out, I wish I had more to offer, but my thoughts and prayers are with you every day.
I’m saving up for BlogHer next year. Please think about going. It would be a blast!
July 31st, 2006 at 5:31 pm
I feel you on this post. We have worked sooo damn hard to get everything. There is has been help along the way but it’s not in the form of big ol’ freebies. I mean, I’m 30 and we make less now than we ever have. We like our jobs now, but the poor house is never too far away.
I work partly from home too and YES it would be so much easier to just go in, do your thing, and then come home. But we can’t afford the childcare costs and now not even the gas to drive me the 25 miles EACH way to work. Blah.
I so love your solution, enjoy!
July 31st, 2006 at 5:32 pm
If it helps you feel any better I didn’t go to blogher either. While it sounded interesting, the thought didn’t even cross my mind that I should go.
Sorry Babboo’s sleep pattern is trying to change. Hopefully though, Sadie is right and he is just going through a growth spurt. The crying though, it sucks and is totally heartbreaking and sometimes there isn’t really anything that can be done to help it. Just knowing you are there for comfort is about it.
I don’t think any of us are supermoms/wives. We just try to do the best we can to get by. Some days things go well, and others we want to hide in the closet.
July 31st, 2006 at 5:35 pm
I’m sorry you are feeling down. I’m not even trying to raise a Babboo and I’m struggling too. I often have those thoughts of “why does she [make so much money, have a great career, have a house, etc.] when I am trying so hard and nothing is going my way.
So it was nice to come to your blog and realize that I’m not alone. Even though it’s NOT nice that you are feeling down.
Any word of the daycare moving you up on the list like they said they would?
Next time I’m on the bus by your building I will send soothing, non-crying thoughts and wishes up to Babboo.
Keep your chin up.
July 31st, 2006 at 5:44 pm
Oh no! I’m sorry you’re having a bad time. Of course I don’t have advice on The Babboo situation since I’ve never gone through it, but I feel bad for you nonetheless.
I DO know how you feel about having friends who seem to have it all and have it easily. My husband and I both work hard at full time jobs, and we’re STILL down to the last dollar every paycheck. And it’s not like we’re out taking great vacations and buying nice things for our house. It just seems to be EASIER for everyone I know. And it bugs me.
July 31st, 2006 at 6:02 pm
What a bummer. I’m so sorry that things are so difficult lately.
July 31st, 2006 at 6:06 pm
Nothing comes easy for us, either, if that’s any consolation. And we’re educated, hard-working folks.
As for the nanny situation–it’s great that you get 3 weeks of help. If the lady works in a kid’s store, maybe she knows of some regular customers who might also be nannys looking for work?
For us, we just learned of a nanny who’s looking for a new family as the youngest kid in her currently family starts preschool this fall. Coincidentally, the nanny works for a doctor in our PCP practice. And speaks English!
July 31st, 2006 at 7:59 pm
Oh Isabel! I wish I could give you a big, big hug right now. Not that it would help anything. I just wish I could.
Working is hard. Being a wife is no cake walk. Being a mom, whew, it’s really hard. Now, put them all together and what do you have? Life. The same life that so many people have and it’s a hard one. I wish I could say that this will be the last time you feel “down” but in all reality, it won’t be. There will be times like this. Times when all you want to do is cry. Times when all you DO is cry. But, they will pass. Things will start to look up. Push through and September will be here before you know it and hopefully things will really start to come together at that point.
Also, Babboo should fall back in some sort of a routine soon. Just a suggestion (please don’t take this as assvice) but have you tried or thought about trying to introduce him to solids? He is a big boy and his belly very well might be ready for some cereal which could help him sleep better at night.
(You know how to reach me if you ever need to vent or talk to someone 3000 miles away.)
July 31st, 2006 at 8:01 pm
Girl I feel like you do… that I just can’t catch a break, but then I remember that $30 a month I send to that kid in Myanmar and how that keeps him alive and I remember that I have a great life… still it doesn’t stop the voice in my head.
First thing… take advantage of the church lady. My momma always says “Don’t steal my blessings!” So if she wants to offer herself, let her. Then maybe through her you will meet someone else you hadn’t met who will then be the solution to your problems. I always say everything happens for a reason! Don’t fret.
Now what is this talk of a baby not sleeping through the night? I’ve never heard of such a thing. I will pretend it doesn’t exist as I begin my journey into the world of conception.
Oh and Blogher 2007 is going to be in Chicago. I’ll go if you go.
July 31st, 2006 at 9:13 pm
Seth was one of those high maintenance screamy babies that never slept. Gah. But he LOVES to swing. Had I known then what I know now, I would have parked him in his baby swing alot more. For him, the swing calms him. Maybe that would work for Baboo.
Also, I could have never worked from home because of my high maintenance child.
HOpe you find great childcare soon. And even if she can only work for three weeks — that’s three weeks you didn’t have before. Maybe she could do it on the days you are home and maybe one day when grandma is supposed to watch him? Because maybe by three weeks time, he’ll be out of this crazy phase he’s in right now?
Also, I HOPE you go to Blogher. I am down about missing it too. But got to meet up with two fun chicks here in St. L. But I so want to go next year! That would be SO AWESOME if you went too!
July 31st, 2006 at 9:19 pm
Oh and just so you know. I’m SURE you are still very very pretty when you are feeling sorry for yourself.
And I know people who’ve had their parents give them huge down payments for new, bigger homes or pay to return to school to get their MBA’s. That blows my mind! My playgroup had some of those moms in it. That was probably the only way they could afford $500,00+ houses and still have the mom stay home. Plus? The grandparents would babysit a few days a week for FREE. Sometimes I’d leave those get togethers feeling really angry and crappy cause there’s no way my parents or inlaws can babysit my child for free every weekend or give us money. SO yeah, I know what you mean.
July 31st, 2006 at 11:04 pm
I can understand the frustration, but what I got out of your post was how divine the circumstances were. Personally, I think running into this former nanny and having the opportunity to use her for a month is awesome. I have a feeling it’s God’s way of timing things so your better circumstances can meet you in a month.
Hang in there. Things will work itself out.
Cheers!
July 31st, 2006 at 11:32 pm
Oh, dear, I’m feeling you on both issues. My husband and I always talk about how all of our friends had their $20,000+ weddings, down payments on their house, and college all paid for and aside from a comparably small amount my parents gave me for our wedding, we paid for the rest. And we’re still paying.
And the working at home thing- I work from home two days a week and had to put Hugo in daycare on those days because one time when he was sick I had to let him scream for 10 minutes because I was on the phone. It about killed me. It was hard and of course I’m always wondering if his little tantrums (which I hear are normal at 10 months) or him preferring his dad have to do with me not having there with me on those two days. A mother’s guilt…
I have no advice because, well, I don’t know your financial situation or the cost of things in Seattle, so good luck. I know you’ll find a solution that will work, though.
August 1st, 2006 at 2:19 am
OH Sweet Thang. I know you know my stance on the morphing of Ideal Baby to Crying Baby, and you’ve just got to experiment to see what works for the Sweet Babboo, you and The King. And once you have that figured out, it will change again.
And you’ll again figure out the right thing to do. You can always count on me for an opinion, support and HONESTY that I don’t know what the heckola I’m doing and it’s OK because I’m doing it with love. But I’ll never tell you I’ve got it figured out or it’s easy, because it’s not. So, don’t feel like you can’t come to me with venting, complaining or whatever!!
Wow. That doesn’t help you at all, does it? I wish I lived in the area, so we could swap childcare, have playdates with Jojo and the Sweet Babboo and go out for Dim Sum. I’m positive something will work out SOON with daycare. My fingers remain crossed until I hear otherwise.
What’s with BlogHer 2007 being in Chicago? Having lived in Chicago, I must say I’m disappointed ONLY because I was hoping it would be somewhere I hadn’t been before. Not that I’m going. But. Still.
August 1st, 2006 at 3:10 am
Hey Isabel,
I’m so sorry things aren’t going so well at the moment.
The only solution I can think of is: giving u a million dollars so that u can have you house built quicker and not work and stay home with Babboo fulltime.
Alas, I don’t have a million bucks…at the moment.
but let me say something that would probably annoy u as much it annoys me when ppl say it to me…
this of the bigger picture…this moment in eternity…blah blah..
August 1st, 2006 at 6:30 am
It would have been sweet! had you been able to come to San Jose. I would have loved to hug you in person, and buy you a blizzard. Or a beer. Or both. : ) But honestly, it was SO! big and SO! many people, that is was pretty dang overwhelming. I tried to write about all the positive parts, but there were definitely cons, too. Someday though, blizzards all around. : )
Hugs to you babe.
August 1st, 2006 at 12:32 pm
Yikes. A four-month morph? I’m scared.
I tell people the ONLY good thing about working full time is that I appreciate my limited time with Evan so much more…that’s really the only positive spin I can put on it, I don’t think I’d get anything done working at home. I agree with the other commenters, this 3-week babysitter is a blessing, 3 weeks you didn’t have before. Just hang on…at least you’re not still PREGNANT right?!
August 1st, 2006 at 1:27 pm
I think it’s perfectly fine for everyone to feel sorry for themselves now and again.
I totally hear what you’re saying about not knowing how Super Mom’s do it all. I am working part time and going to school full time and I know some people in the same situation as me who are married with kids. How do they do that AND work AND go to school?! It baffles my mind! I hope someday (after I’m done with school) I can learn how to be a Super Mom/ Wife when that time of my life comes.
But you should give yourself more credit… I mean, you have a 3 month old son, and you’re already back to work. That’s admirable.
August 1st, 2006 at 3:52 pm
I’m sorry things have been so hard. I wish I could offer you some sound wisdom, but since I’m not a mother, I’ll just say that it sounds like you guys are doing a great job. And hey, three weeks of free baby-sitting? Maybe it’s a GOOD thing daycare was delayed!
August 3rd, 2006 at 7:11 pm
P.S. I found out that BlogHer is taking place in Chicago next year. My hometown! Which I’m only three hours away from! I am so going, so you have to go, too. We both have plenty of time to save up!