Seperate but equal?August 25th, 2006 @ 7:01 am
Nobody ever wants to admit that there are gender roles in marriage. Actually, I don’t know if that’s true. Let me rephrase that; I don’t want to admit that there are gender roles in my marriage. I like to think that The King and I are equals. That we both pull our own weight. That he does just as much laundry as I do. And that I use a hammer just as much as he does. Or something like that.
Lately I’ve realized that things have changed for us. Drastically. And I don’t have to like it. But I do have to acknowledge it.
Okay. Let me back up a few years.
When The King and I were just about ready to get married we had a counseling session with one of our church leaders. I’ll be honest and tell you that I only remember one thing he said. He said that we shouldn’t have kids until I was ready. He said this was because I would be the one with majority of responsibility of taking care of the kids, so I would have to be ready for that.
I remember talking to The King about that and telling him how silly I thought that was. I mean, it was the year 2000 where women and men were equals in the home. I knew The King would be a hand-on’s Dad. It was one of the reasons I was marrying him.
We took our time to have kids. We decided early on that we had some other things we wanted to do before we added to our little family.
First and foremost, we decided we needed a house. Since we couldn’t afford to buy a house, we decided to build one. And since we couldn’t afford to have someone build it, we built it ourselves.
The King and I were pretty equal in the amount of time we spent working on the new house. He was rarely there without me there with him. While he was running electrical wires, I was painting doors. After he installed windows, I caulked them. He held the insulation in place. I stapled it. We made a good team.
After we got into our house we continued to split the “house chores” right down the middle. He put the clothes in the washers, I folded them. He loaded the dishwasher, I unloaded it. I made the bed, he cleaned the toilets. Even stephen.
We both were working full times jobs, while working on finishing up the house, and also spending a lot of extra time volunteering at our church. We were like a well oiled machine. We got things done and nobody complained that the other one wasn’t pulling their weight.
The last few months I’ve noticed a drastic shift. And it ain’t pretty.
I feel like I’m raising Babboo alone. I know I’m not raising him alone. I’m just telling you how I feel. Bear with me.
I’m the one that gets up with Babboo during the night. I sit with him on the side of our bed and feed him. I’ll look over and see The King with the pillow over his head and try to not get mad. I chose to breastfeed (against his wishes), so I know that there isn’t anything he can do to help. I’m the only one that can feed Babboo. I know that.
But it doesn’t make getting up any easier.
I’m the one that has to wake up earlier every morning in order to have time to get myself ready for work and Babboo ready for school. I dress him, feed him, get his bottles ready and pack whatever else he may need. I also try to make the bed and pick up the toys that took over our apartment the previous evening.
I’m the one that calls the school during the day to check on Babboo. I’m the one that goes there on my lunch to feed him. I’m the one that picks him up and walks home with him. Stopping to run the errands that needs to be done, like going to the bank or the post office. Or even the library. (Okay, I’m not so good about the going to the library part.)
On the two days a week that I work from home, I do my regular full time job as well as take care of Babboo. Which is getting harder and harder to do. But which I choose to keep doing because I know it’s best to be home with him. And because I don’t want to give up my chance to work from home for fear that I won’t get it back.
On my days at home I also have to do laundry, dishes, clean up the place, as well as field the calls from The King in which he adds to my all ready full plate. Yesterday he asked me to go down to Pike Place Market to get some fresh rolls for dinner. And to call the property managers to tell them our kitchen sink was leaking.
I flipped out and told him I couldn’t just run to the market. I was busy working my full time job. My job which I hadn’t been able to do yet because Babboo wouldn’t stop crying and demanding I hold him at all times.
What makes this even harder is that The King is working at the new house every night during the week and every Saturday. He has to work that much or we won’t get into this house. We don’t want to stretch that out since we’ve been paying the mortgage on the house we tore down (for almost 2 years) and we’re paying for the construction on the new house. We are not made of money. Far from it.
But still I feel like it’s just me. Like the brunt of the whole baby thing is mine. Plus all of my previous responsibilities. I feel like I’m the one that picked on.
But guess what? The King has a full time job to. Plus he’s building this house. Not only is he building it, he’s doing all the design work. So when he’s not physically there working on it he’s reading magazine to get ideas for the bathrooms or the kitchen. When he’s not doing that, he talking on the phone with the framers or the metal siding supply company, or fighting with his Dad over what to pay the framers.
So even though I feel like I’m pushed to my limit, The King feels the same way. But on top of him feeling that way, he doesn’t get to see Babboo. He races home each night from the new house in hopes of getting there early enough to give Babboo his bath or to give him a kiss before I put him in bed. He cherishes his time with him in the mornings when he drops him off at school. Every day saying that today is the day he’ll call in sick and just spend the day with Babboo.
What am I saying here? I’m not really sure.
I guess I’m saying that I’m tapped out. And I know The King’s tapped out. And he’s sick of hearing me whine about how rough my life is. Because his is just as rough.
I don’t know how you people do it. I mean, we just have the one kid. The one kid who is actually quite enjoyable and pretty easy to take care of. And when he laughs, he makes me the happiest I’ve ever been. And we’re fortunate enough to be able to be building a new house. And we’re fortunate enough to both have good jobs.
But still, I could use a nap. And maybe some alone time.
And maybe a maid.
Me · My Sweet Babboo · The King · Work
Sadie
said,
August 25, 2006 at 4:03 pm
Wow, Isabel, I am sorry - you sound so very tired and I can’t blame you.
I can’t imagine the difficulty of adjusting to the new “division of labor” that a baby creates, especially one who relies solely on its mother for all feedings. Although, I suspect that even if you were bottle-feeding Babboo, you would still feel like the baby was ‘your’ responsibility moreso than the King’s…because he is not home nights or weekends. All that time apart, with no “break” for either of you, has to be wearing on you both.
Maybe this isn’t an option, but would the King taking one night off per week from working on the house really put you guys that behind? For example, Wednesdays, the King comes home. You eat dinner together and enjoy your baby together, and pump a bottle so that the King can put Babboo to bed and you can get some much-needed “me” time - go to Borders or a movie alone?
Cindy
said,
August 25, 2006 at 4:10 pm
I’m sending ((hugs)) and a nap on the side your way. Things do get better.
dee
said,
August 25, 2006 at 4:18 pm
I don’t have any insightful comments today, but just know that I’m totally there with you…as are probably most of the other moms out there. It does get better, but I’m guessing will never completely go away until Babboo is grown.
Audrey
said,
August 25, 2006 at 4:23 pm
Isabel, I am so sorry. I hope you and the King can work out some kind of schedule that is at least slightly less exhausting for both of you. Could the King maybe drop off or pick up Baboo from school a couple of days a week? Or is there a chance the house will get to a point anytime soon where the King needs to be there less? Could you and the King switch places one or two nights a week, so you go work on the house and he can be home with Baboo?
Hang in there, things are bound to get better. And in the meantime I will say a prayer for Baboo to take an extra long nap on days you’re working from home so you can get more work done and feel less stressed-out.
janet
said,
August 25, 2006 at 4:39 pm
I am sorry that you (and the King) are struggling to juggle your many roles. Honestly, I don’t know how you do it! I can barely take care of ME, let alone another, plus build a house, etc. You are not crazy for feeling overwhelmed! I hope that this is mostly temporary for you, that the house will be done in a few months (?), that Babboo will be in day care soon, etc. But until then, just know that you are a great mom and a great wife and that we out here in the internets care about you a lot!
Frema
said,
August 25, 2006 at 4:40 pm
Wow. What an honest, heartfelt, thoughtful post. It sounds like you and The King are both doing the best you can with the time you’ve been given.
Since the two of you are so active in your church, maybe you could look into some kind of weekly “date night” where a couple of volunteers could manage childcare duties for two hours every Friday for its members. Luke’s friends have something like that at their church. Even if you and The King can’t swing a date night, it could be a way for you to run some errands to squeeze a nap in.
I hope everything gets easier for both of you very soon.
Mrs. CPA
said,
August 25, 2006 at 5:03 pm
TP and I run into the same issues at our house. I think he’s not doing enough, but in reality, he does all the laundry, gets up a feeds the dogs, does all of the house maintenance, picks up Mr. Cheeks, vacuums and works full time. He also feeds Mr. Cheeks 1/2 of the nights.
I do the dishes, the cleaning, the grocery stuff, the bathing, the daycare drop off and getting ready for daycare the majority of non sleepy feeding of the baby, and I work full time too.
Unless we made up a sticker chart (Can I have the strawberry shortcake stickers? Please! Can I? Can I?) and wrote down all the chores, I don’t think there’s a way to divide them totally equally. And we both always end up being semi-exasperated at the other. I need to learn patience and have a little more understanding about the stuff that he does vs. the stuff that I do. And damn it it’s hard because I want to be the martyr!
Leslie
said,
August 25, 2006 at 5:25 pm
My sister recently said, “housecleaning makes the world go ’round but naps make you pretty”. If you follow her advice, you should skip the cleaning and be take every opportunity to be pretty (Babboo permitting)!
Britt
said,
August 25, 2006 at 5:38 pm
I’ve been trying to leave a comment all morning, but my stupid office phone keeps ringing. What is is with these people? It’s like they want me to do my job instead of read blogs!!
Anyway, I wish I had some profound thought that would make everything better for you, but all I can think to say is “Bless your heart!” And I don’t think that’s going to fix anything. I’m sorry that you’re so worn out. I wish I lived closer so I could help you out, but then again, you probably wouldn’t appreciate my handy work on your new house. Yikes! But I would go to the store for fresh rolls for you! I really would!!!
Judy
said,
August 25, 2006 at 7:10 pm
it’s hard sometimes to see what your partner may have as far as responsibilities. i have the same problem and my boyfriend and i don’t even have kids! so, in some way, i totally see what you mean. sometimes i feel like i do everything around the house. but then sometimes i come home and the bathroom and kitchen have already been cleaned (such as yesterday).
i wish i could help you out with getting the alone time or a maid. but different coasts make it a little difficult.
anyway… keep your chin up! you’re doing a fantastic job with your little family and i’m sure things will calm down soon.
Della
said,
August 25, 2006 at 8:25 pm
I never knew what it was like to raise my babies with another person. I had my babies on my own without father’s and only married my hubba when my baby was 18 months old and my oldest was 3. I never could have coped without my live-in babysitter—I wasn’t wealthy but worked very hard in the radio/tv biz to provide for my little family, plus I had zero help from family as no one lived near me.
Once I got married, I inherited a six and eight year old and left the radio/tv biz to raise the kids. Trust me, with my Army husband always gone, I felt—no, I was—raising the kids myself. I let the sitter go and learned from my mistakes on my own! Oh the hilarity that ensued! And the tears. (Hard to be a step-mom!)I could run three radio stations, manage million dollar budgets and supervise employees but my four kids were driving me to Prozac.
I know how you feel and it is okay to feel like that.
As a big sister to four little sisters, I have said the following on many occassions:
1. Having children will change your life forever in ways you know not.
2. Dust, loads of laundry and some dishes in the sink never killed anyone.
3. Priorities! God, Family then Work! Note that HOUSE work is not on this list.
4. Look towards the reward! You are both working towards a common goal to benefit your FAMILY.
I agree with the commenter who recommended finding a church mentor couple type of service. Those of us who have been there done that are always happy to help a young couple/family. That’s what your church “family” and friends are for.
I do promise you that it gets better…at least until teenagedom!
Hilary
said,
August 25, 2006 at 8:45 pm
Hang in there! It gets better and easier, I promise. Things are just really hectic for yall right now but they’ll lighten up soon enough. Also, Babboo will (before you know it) be able to entertain himself soon and won’t require 100% of your attention 100% of the time. He’ll be able to roll around, then sit up, then pick up his toys, then actually play with his toys, then crawl, then walk and it will all get easier. Then you will forget how hard it was, get pregnant with #2 b/c dude, this baby stuff is totally easy, then get knocked on your rear again b/c holy cow, what was I thinking having kids 21 months apart and how on God’s green earth am I going to handle 2 of them. Oh, oops, sorry, that’s me.
It’s hard. I know when you’re pregnant you hate people telling you that but it really is the truth. It’s hard adjusting your life to give 100% to the most precious thing in the world b/c how can you do that when you were already wishing there were more hours in the day before that precious baby even arrived.
I could write for days.
My advice, get thee some time to yourself. I don’t care how you do it, but do it! Ask The King’s mom if she would mind watching Babboo one night, which I’m sure she’ll jump at the chance. If there is no way possible for The King to get out of working on the house for one night then go by yourself and do something for YOU. Hopefully though The King can spare one night of work and the two of you can do something together. Like, go on a date. I’m telling you, one night will make all the difference in the world. Do it and DON’T feel guilty about it b/c you will feel better and that in turn is a good thing for Babboo.
Oh, and don’t make the bed. Seriously, you are just going to crawl back in it that night and mess it up again.
Everything you said is totally normal and understandable on both your part and The King’s part. Just trust those of us who have been there when we tell you it will get better with time. Big hugs!
haggalicious
said,
August 25, 2006 at 8:59 pm
I hear you! Except I’m not pushed to my limit quite like you are. But with a new house, Jeff is there every day all day (while he’s on his “paternity leave”, which ends this Monday) trying to get it ready for us to move in. In the meantime, I’m trying to keep our house clean and take care of a newborn…. And I don’t have a full time job! I don’t know how you do it. And breastfeed him, too! I really admire your willingness to give so much of yourself for your little boy. So many people are too selfish to do that, and I think you’re great for it.
Christar
said,
August 25, 2006 at 10:43 pm
I commend you. You do so much to make sure your family runs smoothly. I wish there was something else I could say to make it better. I think we all have feelings like that now and again.
I think it would honestly help you out a lot if there is one night a week that you and The King do something just for you (and Babboo). Instead of making dinner, get take~out and just sit home as a family (if this is at all possible). I think what makes stressful situations even worse, is when you don’t get to see or spend time with your loved~ones. Even if you can’t do a family night every week or have to do it every month or something, I still think it would help you guys just to do it. I hope it all gets better!
TxMom
said,
August 26, 2006 at 12:33 am
Nothing can prepare you for the way your life changes once you have a child. While I love my Pooter with every ounce of my self, there are days I want to just check into a hotel alone for a day (or two). My husband works from home and keeps her. I can’t imagine how he does it. While I say I want to be a sahm, I am really not sure that I could handle it. Kids are exhausting, and that is why we plan to just have one.
Good luck to you. Hang in there…they say it gets easier.
Elisette
said,
August 26, 2006 at 12:38 am
It does get easier. And then harder, then easier.
Ala Finding Nemo: “Just Keep Swimming”
Amy
said,
August 26, 2006 at 2:24 am
What Elisette said is true. It helps a lot when they can entertain themselves. Ally used to play in the exersaucer and watch an entire Baby Einstein DVD. Once they’re mobile they don’t want to be confined anymore. Ally anyway; maybe not all babies. Then it gets harder again to keep them entertained and occupied. And you’re the one who told me to take a nap! You’ll find that you can function on even less sleep when you have two!
ramblingmuse
said,
August 26, 2006 at 5:42 am
Hang in there, Chica! I can’t say I totally understand since I’m a single gal and all, but admitting you feel tapped out is much better than trying to pretend you’re superwoman. Every growing family takes some time to adjust. Just do what you can that day and remind yourself that it won’t be so tiring like this forever.
*hugs* to you!
Molly
said,
August 26, 2006 at 4:32 pm
I am so glad that you wrote this, because sometimes I too feel this way, and it reinforces that marraige and raising kids is not easy, and we’re all in the same boat.
You guys are going through a very busy time right now with two jobs, the new house, and the baby. Once the house is finished, and you are settled in, it will slow down. As for the seprate but equal part of things, I could have written the same exact story to the beginning of my marraige. Being a SAHM has shifted things in big, big ways though, where I carry the bulk of errands and jobs around the house, and raising kids 95% of the day. My husband is at work (or commuting) from 6am to 7pm every night. He gets home just in time to scarf down dinner with us and get the kids in bed between 7:30 and 8. It is difficult to do it all.
For now I have accepted it as part of being “the mom,” but if you figure things out, do share.
Kristin
said,
August 26, 2006 at 4:37 pm
I so understand where you are coming from. Until the beginning of this month, I felt like a single parent. Bill was always at work. I was home with Logan, breastfeeding & never sleeping. It was starting to ruin our relationship.
It actually took us moving to another town, Bill getting a job with a different company & giving up our beautiful brand new home that we had “semi-custom” built & only lived in for a year.
This was a major sacrifice & I’m amazed that we hung in there together. We really were on the brink of some serious problems.
Everyone has different circumstances & experiences, but I know exactly how you feel. Hang in there. It got better for us when I never thought it would. And when it does get better…it’s an amazing feeling. I hope it gets better for you soon.
Ella
said,
August 26, 2006 at 6:23 pm
I don’t have much to say besides that I hope you get a nap with your little Baboo and the King soon. You all deserve it.
And MOMS RULE!
Thats why they call you Mom because you’re a superhero!
Jezer
said,
August 26, 2006 at 6:49 pm
Sister, I know exactly what you mean. Well, almost exactly–just substitute “working lots of overtime” for “building new house.” I know I shouldn’t get mad when I bathe the baby when the Mr. is working late again in 110-degree heat, even though that is the Mr.’s job (I feed, he bathes), but part of me feels a little resentful about doing more than “my share.” I can’t help that I chuckled a little on the inside when I had the stomach flu and the Mr. had to take full baby duty and got a little overwhelmed. It’s hard work. I knew it would be, but still, it kicks me in the butt every now and then.
Chas
said,
August 26, 2006 at 6:53 pm
I’m right in there with you, Isabel. I feel exactly the same way. I feel like venting about how I basically do everything for Lila, plus I do 99% of the housework…and I really want some time to breath, but that would mean leaving my baby, and since I already leave her five days a week all day long, I really don’t feel right leaving her. I have to remind myself that my husband does do his part…it’s just that my part is bigger…and harder :).
HollowSquirrel
said,
August 26, 2006 at 8:54 pm
Oh sweetie. You guys have so much important stuff on your plates. I wish I could fly out to help out. Seriously. I’m so sorry. I think it’s important to ask for help. Can you ask for help from people at church, your family or the King’s family (I know your MIL has helped a lot already)? You both need time alone (and NOT working) and time together (without Babboo) and some quality time with Babboo (maybe the King does need to take that day off). Maybe someone at church would love to hang out with the Sweet Babboo while you’re working from home? Your feelings are completely understandable.
Lisa B
said,
August 28, 2006 at 1:28 am
Oh sista. I don’t have a full time job. But I can relate with the part where you take care of Baboo most of the time while the hubby is off working tons of hours.
I have heard that the first few years of having children is the toughest on a marriage. And I believe it. It IS a tough time.
You are much nicer than I. It sounds like you are handling it much better. I bitched and screamed and nagged and cried alot those first years. You just feel so overwhelmed at times — like you are being pulled in so many different directions.
Sounds like you guys definitely need for Baboo to spend a Saturday night with grandparents (overnight). (When you start doing that stuff early, you will find that when he’s 2, 3,and beyond, an overnight trip isn’t a big deal to him or you.)
If I was closer (and I so wish I was) I would LOVE to have your sweet little man over. He could come to my house. I’d get a baby fix, my little man would learn how wonderful babies are and you could have a bit of peace and quiet.
I’m sending you hugs. I don’t know HOW you working moms do it — especially working from home.
CPA Mom
said,
August 28, 2006 at 2:02 am
it’s late, i’m tired and not full of much insight to help you out. But I do hear you, your point is valid. something that helps a tiny bit with my husband - specifically spelling out what I need him to do with the kids. He was not helping at all with nighttime rituals until I spelled out,”I need you to do this, this and this so I can do this, this, and this” and viola! he did it! Seemed he thought he wouldn’t be any good at any of it until I told him he needed to do it. Just needed a little direction.
anyway, sorry I can’t help more but keep on blogging/venting. Surely someone out there will have all the answers, right? Right? come on, give me some hope here
Erika
said,
August 28, 2006 at 3:25 pm
I feel like every day when I get home from work is spent preparing for the next, and every weekend is spent restocking and recharging for the week to come. Luckily I do find some Evan time or it wouldn’t be worth it. But this vicious cycle is why my mom never had more than one, she never thought she’d have the energy, and I totally get it. It’s not fun to feel like a single parent, no matter what it is that’s keeping Daddy busy. And I’m sure the breastfeeding throws a whole other wrench in the process. AKSDJFDNDKHFINEC!!!!!!!!!!
Julie
said,
August 28, 2006 at 3:37 pm
It took the Jellyman and I a long time to find a new division of labor after Raisin was born. I think you and the King are very normal — especially considering all the extra work that goes with building a house!
I wish I had some sage advice about how we eventually worked things out, but it seems like it was just a matter of time.
Good luck!
Mrs. Flinger
said,
August 28, 2006 at 4:07 pm
What an amazing post. You said all those things I think often times we all feel. I know I’ve yelled the same things in to an IM to a friend but never said them to Mr. Flinger, the person I should really tell them to.
Like Julie, things got better as time went on. But it’s not an easy transition and often we still come up with dead-ends. No answers here either. But thank you for so wonderfully saying it.
TB
said,
August 28, 2006 at 9:52 pm
I understand what you’re saying about the gender roles. And what makes it even more difficult is that the work that women do is so often marginalized so that even though you are taking on more of the workload the perception is that you are doing less.
I don’t know you or the King, but I would be willing to bet that after the house is finished things will equalize quite a bit. I hope that’s true.
These are the exact things I worry about for Jeff and I with our baby because I know it’s going to be the same way. I just have to find a way to change my expectations a bit I think.
Thanks so much for sharing this.
Courtney
said,
August 28, 2006 at 11:04 pm
I wish I could relate… I wish I could tell you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel… I wish I could pass on some fabulous insightful wisdom to you.
But I got nothin’.
Except hugs. BIG INTERNET HUGS!!! Hang in there.
Heather
said,
September 2, 2006 at 12:56 am
I’m sorry to hear that it’s so stressful for you!! We hired someone to come clean our house every other week and it is the BEST $50 that we spend every other week!! Right now this baby is not even here and I don’t know how I would do it with out her. I can’t imagine taking care of the baby and the house!!
hola, isabel » It’s a New Year. Maybe I should try to be a better person.
said,
January 1, 2007 at 9:01 pm
[...] I know I’ve talked about the roles The King and I play in our lives before. I’m sick of talking about how hard we both work. I mean, all of us here work hard. It’s just life. [...]
hola, isabel » Matt Lauer, do you hear me calling?
said,
March 2, 2007 at 3:50 pm
[...] So while The King is the one doing all the work on our new house, I know he would like for me to be involved in it. But I can’t be. I’m busy with our baby boy. (Our baby boy that now has five teeth!) Plus, he really doesn’t need my input. He’s the talented one. [...]
hola, isabel » Blog Archive » Our best communicating
said,
June 1, 2007 at 3:27 pm
[...] I might have mentioned that The King and I don’t see too much of each other these days. He’s busy building us a brand new house and I’m busy at home with Babboo. When he gets home at night he usually has a few minutes with Babboo before he goes to bed. And then we both flop onto the couch for a bit until we fall asleep. [...]