Do you want to come over and enjoy some hot cocoa with me?
Posted by Isabel on April 25th, 2007. Filed under: Me, They're just my friends.I got a call from my little brother during the day last week. I was at work, so I put him into voice mail. A few hours later the same thing happened. That night, when I had a second, I called him back. I sort of knew what he was going to tell me, so I wasn’t in a hurry to call him back. When I finally did, it went something like this:
Isabel :(to little brother) Hey, I saw that you called me a few times today. What’s up?
Brother: I just wanted to tell you that you’re gonna be an aunt again. We’re having another baby!
Isabel: That’s great news. Congratulations. Well, Babboo is getting into stuff. I’ll talk to you later.
I’m very happy for them. They have a little girl who is 6 months older than Babboo, and I love her guts. She’s a little doll. I also really like my brother and his wife. My sister in law stays at home and my brother makes just enough money for them to live and not have to eat Ramen for dinner every night. My brother and his wife are quite a bit younger then I am, plus they’ve only been married a few years. Not to mention that my brother doesn’t really have a secure future with his job.
I just didn’t know what else to say to him on the phone. The thought of having another baby is, well, a thought I don’t have at this point. I’m still trying to figure out the one I already have.
A few weekends ago we went to visit some of our favorite friends. They had just had their third little girl and we wanted to drop in and see how thing were going for them. Things are going great for them. The wife stays at home and the husband seems to make a bazillion dollars at his job. They have enough money for a great house and have been all over the world.
Last night my best friend May came over with her little girl. We had a great time making dinner and watching our kids play together. An hour or so into our evening, she told me she was pregnant again. They’ve wanted this for a long time, so it’s wonderful news for their little family. May stays at home and they seem to live okay off of what her husband makes.
One of my other close friends, Smelly, is awaiting the birth of her second baby any day. Smelly (who doesn’t really smell) stays at home with their little girl and they live by the hair of her chiny-chin-chin on what her husband makes.
We have some friends that are newly married, who both work, and don’t have any kids yet. Come to think of it, we have quite a few friends that don’t have kids yet. We also have some friends that are in the middle of a nasty divorce (as opposed to those awesome divorces you keep hearing about?). We even have some friends where the wife works and the husband stays home with their two kids.
I’m starting to see a trend here. The trend being that The King and I don’t have any friends that are in the same situation we are. I don’t have any friends that work full time while their (one) child is in daycare. We don’t have any friends that are in the same financial situation we are. We don’t have any friends that like the same things we like. We for sure don’t have any friends that can afford, or have the desire to travel with us.
I talked to my mom and dad about this phenomenon this weekend. My dad informed me that I’d never find any friends that were in the same position we were. Either they wouldn’t have any kids, or they’d have tons of kids. Or they’d be richer or poorer then we were. Or they’d hate to travel or only like to travel inside the country. You know, just something.
I wish I had a lady friend that I could meet for hot cocoa and just talk about what it’s like to bust my butt at work everyday and then race to daycare to bring my son home and then try to catch up on laundry, cleaning, cooking dinner, watching my stories, all the while trying to have quality time with my Sweet Babboo. Oh yeah, and be a contributing member of a marriage that I want to be successful. Let’s not even talk about keeping up on relationships with friends and family and the love and devotion I feel towards my Church and the other members. (Service work, I wish I had more time to give to you!)
I’ve been lucky enough to have some wonderfully positive role models here on the interweb. I’ve felt a very deep connection to Erika ever since we were both pregnant and due to give birth to little boys within days of each other. Erika works full time and understands what it’s like to drop your baby off at daycare while all the while knowing that you just aren’t the type of mom who would deal well with being a full time Stay at Home Mom. HollowSquirrel also works away from home and has a little boy just a few months older then Babboo. So again, she knows.
The crazy thing is that while I wish we had friends that fit into our little pie chart, I don’t really have the time or energy to work at finding these friends. The thought of making more friends makes my mind race with thoughts of trying to work in phone calls and outings and getting to know you dinners out. I just don’t have time for it. I have enough friends. Friends that I truly like. I just don’t really have that same connection with.
So tell me, is this bad? Should The King and I make more of an effort to find friends that are a better fit for us? Does this mean we have to lose the friends we have? The friends we truly love. And where would we find these new friends?
And more importantly, is it okay that some of my closest girlfriends preside in the little computer screen in front of me?
I just wish they could come over for hot cocoa every now and again.
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And in case you missed it, I helped out Amalah with the Advice Smackdown today. The topic? Bikini waxing and why you should all go and get one. Now.
April 25th, 2007 at 5:39 pm
I’m scared of bikini waxing, but I want you to know that you are the only only only reason that last week I spent 10 minutes entertaining the idea of applying for a superamazing perfect-for-me job in Seattle.
Cuz I don’t actually want to move to Seattle. In fact, I want to move to Milwaukee. But the idea of getting to hang out with you had me think about moving to Seattle, at least for a few minutes.
April 25th, 2007 at 6:20 pm
Man, I wish you lived down here.
Or I lived up there.
The King and Justin could be BFF and Bella and Haley can fight over Babboo and we could go get bikini waxes together.
{sighs}
April 25th, 2007 at 6:28 pm
I actually think that what you are saying about internet friends is the reason we all keep blogging even though we really don’t have the time for it. (Okay, I have the time, but I don’t have a baby to care for or a wedding to plan anymore.)
I think it’s fine that Erika is your friend who you can talk daycare with. I won’t judge, I promise
No really though, I can see how it might be nice to have some real life friends to hang out with who deal with the same stuff as you.
Maybe in a few years when the babies are kids and they are all in school, things will feel more even. By then maybe some of the mommies will have gone back to work (maybe?) and you will have more in common.
Okay, done rambling now. I wish I could have a baby and come over and drink cocoa with you!!
April 25th, 2007 at 6:32 pm
I think as long as you’re content with your friendships, there is nothing wrong with that. Having friends who are in different situations than you are just makes for more interesting conversation, right?
A couple of days ago my sister-in-law mentioned how much fun she thinks a family trip to Seattle would be. And my first thought was, “Yeah! Then I could meet Isabel, Baboo, and the King!” If having cool friends inside the computer is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
April 25th, 2007 at 6:48 pm
I agree with you! Most of our friends are on different levels than Chris and I. My best friend couldn’t be more different in almost every area of our lives right now. I am married with 3 kids, I work full-time and so does Chris. We go out sometimes, not real often. She is in a relationship, but does not live with her BF, nor is she married. She does work full-time, but her son, who is 7 doesn’t go to daycare at all. He goes over to his classmate’s house before school. All my other friend either don’t have kids yet, or their kids are much younger than mine or much older.
I’m like you, I don’t really have time to find new friends and I don’t want to give up the old ones. It’s hard to find a compromise.
April 25th, 2007 at 6:54 pm
I don’t think there is anything wrong with having friends that are in different situations that you….I know there are benefits of being able to complain or be excited to someone that knows exactly how you’re feeling because they have been there….but, I think you’d be posting something along the same lines if all your friends had one baby, husband and wife both worked, and were working on building a house…..
I think you should be friends with whoever you want to be friends with
April 25th, 2007 at 7:12 pm
Some of my closest friends live in my computer too. It’s o.k. It’s the 21st century after all. I met my husband via the internet.
We’ll drink cocoa at BlogHer.
April 25th, 2007 at 7:46 pm
hi! I know this is lame, but I don’t have time for lots of friends either. Life w/ three kids is crazy. So, I just figure that my family has to be my friends right now. They are the most important people in my life, anyways!
But, that being said, I do love my once in awhile Saturdays with my mom and sister, and my every few months scrapbook nights with Jami!
I know how it is to be a working mom. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. But, also staying home with three kids and being poor is super hard too. Good luck!
Love ya!
April 25th, 2007 at 7:50 pm
I am lucky enough to have found four girlfriends that I know I will have for the rest of my life. I know these are the women that I will go on vacations with once all of our kids are grown and out of the house. I love them with all of my heart and thank God for them every day. Want to know the funny thing, I’m really nothing like any of them. I mean, we all have something that bonds us together but we are all soooo different in so many ways. We all have our titles and they fit so perfectly. I think it’s our differences that makes us all so close. We bring out the best in each other. What I’m trying to say is, I think it’s fabulous to have friends that you have some things in common with but also have enough differences to make it interesting. Just like with any relationship.
April 25th, 2007 at 8:13 pm
Even though I don’t have a baby, nor am married I would LOVE for you to come up to Cap Hill and we could have cocoa at Dilletante. Or I could come down there. I like being your friend over the internet too!
I know how you feel about friends being in not the same place and how that can be frustrating. I only have a handful of friends who are in the same place and I feel “left out” a lot. But I also do love to hear the news from my friends who are in different places. It’s always good for us to remember that we can still be friends even if we don’t “match.”
Kisses to Babboo!
April 25th, 2007 at 8:19 pm
At this stage in the game, for me making new friends is like dating. And I HATED dating. Which is why when my husband proposed to me on our first date, I said “Hellllz yeah!”
But seriously? I totally understand what you’re saying. And although I stay home with Henry, we are certainly in no financial situation for me to do so. I got fired for having a baby. But I love it–more than working. And the only reason I’ve been fortunate enough to find a few girlfriends to have cocoa with is because of the baby.
I think the baby is the great equalizer–it allows you to stop someone in the supermarket and comment on their little baby and the next thing you know you’re talking about sore nipples and poop.
Most of our friends are in completely different positions in life–we have only a handful of friends who are married with kids, and they all live out of state. We’ve seen some pretty drastic changes in our relationships with friends–those with kids just Don’t Get It and get frustrated when we can’t go out on Tuesday night for some bar hopping.
Anyhoo: sorry to hijack your comments–I guess my point is that no friend ever fits like a glove, eventually they annoy the crap out of you. So if you’re pleased with the friends you have, then there’s no reason to go shopping. And as Babboo gets older, you’ll get to know more and more of the parents of his friends. In the meanwhile: I’m just an email away.
Plus? BlogHer! WOOT!
April 25th, 2007 at 9:20 pm
It is perfectly ok that some of your best friends (read: me) live inside the computer box.
I have a big group of online friends. I went to Dallas in Feb to meet a couple of them in person. I turned into a big shy nerd. Why? I don’t know. It’s just so much easier for me to befriend people online than in person. I don’t have to do my hair or my makeup. I have time to think about what I want to say. I can use delete and copy and paste and well… real life just doesn’t allow for that. I’m way too comfortable with the fact that most of my “good friends” live inside the computer box.
Then there’s my whole other group of “good friends” who live inside the tv box. But we can talk about them some other time.
April 25th, 2007 at 9:55 pm
Ok. We are having lunch, or hot cocoa, or whatever — soon! I think we had talked about sometime this week. Email me and let’s set up a day, time, and place and just make it happen!
And, as soon as Brett and I finally have our take-home baby, you and I can be one-kid-in-daycare-living-in-the-city-enjoying-music-and-books friends, because I sure as heck won’t be able to stay home for many more years.
And maybe if you can convince The King that I’m not a serial killer in disguise, we could all have dinner sometime — husbands included!
April 25th, 2007 at 10:39 pm
I know what you mean. THere’s not enough hours in the day or energy. So no, nothing wrong with thinking the way you do.
April 25th, 2007 at 10:41 pm
Mmmm, cocoa… yum! I love internet friends. Before I joined the blogging world, one of my best girlfriends was a strictly internet friend. She used to be a client of mine, and while we never met we talked on the phone all the time (sometimes work related, sometimes, uh, not-so-work-related). We both moved on to bigger and better jobs but kept in touch, and while we’ve only seen each other maybe twice in 4 years, we are still best friends.
Now, about that cocoa…
April 25th, 2007 at 10:44 pm
I know how it feels to be the different one in the group of friends, but I think that’s what makes such good friends. If everyone was alike, then I don’t think it would be as fun or exciting. It’s fun to have some friends that are the same, but it’s also fun to have some that are different.
And the best part of all? You get to have similar friends over your blog, like me! Haha!
Even though we don’t really live similar lives, we have similar interests and I’m glad you’re my blogging friend. 
April 25th, 2007 at 11:37 pm
It’s not bad. Your friends don’t need to be in the same place as you. They just have to have EMPATHY. And you have to have the same for their situation. Your lives will never be in unison, but that shouldn’t be what friendship is about.
April 26th, 2007 at 1:39 am
HEY BIG SURPRISE, I CAN RELATE! I am not jealous of stay-at-home moms because I don’t want that for myself (I would love to have the luxury of not NEEDING to work though). But that doesn’t make it any easier to sneak out of the house at 5:30am, not even taking a quick peek at Evan for fear of waking him up and denying Jonathan some sleep. Then instead of playing all night when I get home, I let him drag the pots and pans out of the cabinet while I wash dishes and get everything ready to do it all over again at work the next day. So having someone to share those frustrations would be nice. I do have a friend at work whose child is in day care like Evan, but even that is different becaue they chose a daycare in DC, and she and her husband go over and see their baby every day for like an hour each! I am always surprised at how much comfort it has given me to hear your issues, not just Babboo-related, and know that my life is not the only crazy one, although we have never even met (that will change soon hopefully!!).
April 26th, 2007 at 1:51 am
I think TV Goddess said it best with the empathy thing. Very rarely are any two people in the same place at the same time, and even if/when they are, they may have completely opposite feelings on the same situation. For years I thought I would be a stay-at-home mom, and now it looks like I’ll be working and Luke will be the one staying home. So even though we’ll go down to a one-income household, I still feel like I’ll be able to relate to you because I’ll have to leave my baby to go to work.
Anyway, if someone friend-worthy comes along, no matter what their deal is, you’ll know it, and you’ll make the time. Just remember that the Internet loves you!
April 26th, 2007 at 1:55 am
I was sooooo excited about your Advice Smackdown appearance! You may have inspired me to get a wax. I am seriously considering it. I have always been afraid of how the whole thing works. But I figure if I can give birth and be in labor and sutff, I can spend ten minutes getting waxed. Now…my question is how do you go about finding a place? I live in a small-town type county. I’m sure people do this sort of thing, but I have no idea where!
April 26th, 2007 at 1:55 am
Yeah for helping with the advice smackdown!
I hear ya on being a working Mom and balancing it all- we can have cyber coco anytime!!! Its hard! Luckily I have some freinds in teh same spot as I am as far as working, we aren’t in teh same financial spot. I also have friends that are all in very different spots and it sometimes makes a connection more difficult now days. I hear ya on teh connection with other moms through the computer too! Hugs!
Todays post really hit home!
April 26th, 2007 at 4:09 am
I so know what you are talking about. Your true friends will stick with you regardless of your ’situation’, and you’ll make new friends as well as time goes on that fits. It’s very hard to balance everything as a working mom, and a wife.
If I lived close to you, I’d come have hot cocoa with you anytime!
April 26th, 2007 at 1:13 pm
I CANNOT how much I identify with this post. I have “friends” at work that send their child(ren) to daycare and can identify with, so I get a little comfort there. My best friend stays home with her child and is expecting their second. I could go on & on, but I totally get what your saying & long to have someone “in the same boat” with me here too! Erika’s comment about having her son play in the kitchen while she works AFTER working all day….I totally get that too! I’m just trying to live for today & know that nothing stays the same forever!
April 26th, 2007 at 1:32 pm
As I was driving home yesterday I was thinking about this very topic. I wish I had someone to just talk to. Maybe go get some coffee with. None of my friends are in similar situations. Either they don’t have kids, don’t work, or don’t work 9-5 Monday through Friday. As a first time reader and commentor what you said really struck me. Hang in there, you never know where you will make a new friend. And know that your interweb friends are always there for you.
April 26th, 2007 at 3:11 pm
Can I please come over for cocoa in a few months? Please? ‘Cause by then I’ll be in the same boat as you!
And I’m not touching the waxing thing… I am such a scaredy cat since my first awful experience.
April 26th, 2007 at 3:13 pm
I joke sometimes about how I have no friends in this city anymore, but it’s not a joke — it’s the truth. And I’m cool with that. I love the friends I have, and I wish I could see them more, but I have no desire to go out and try to find new friends. I just don’t have the energy to make all that effort. If I weren’t in a relationship I would probably change my tune, but I’m perfectly happy with Joel, my cats, my Tivo, and keeping in touch with my friends via text/email/phone/blogs.
As long as you’re happy, I don’t see why you need to go out searching for new friends. And internet friends totally count!
April 26th, 2007 at 7:58 pm
I clicked over here from the Smackdown column, and your post says what my brain has been trying to say for some time now. I will be reading now. And probably linking to this post, since you say it MUCH better than I possibly could.
April 26th, 2007 at 10:31 pm
I often feel the same way you do … but I’m in a completely different situation. I’m single, no children, no boyfriend, no prospects … you know all the fun stuff a 30-year-old woman just LOVES. However, ALL of my girlfriends are married and either have children or are planning on having kids asap. This means I rarely – if ever – see my dear friends who I’ve known and loved for what seems like forever.
There are millions of people like you – and probably millions of people like me. Isn’t it funny how our paths never seem to cross?
April 27th, 2007 at 12:35 am
Oh man, do I relate. Wish you lived closer, my friend…I do love cocoa (and you, of course).
April 27th, 2007 at 2:46 am
First all: I just so happened over to the advice Smackdown (I don’t go too often, but if you keep contributing…) today and noticed that you were on there. Go Isabel!
Second: I am totally in your ‘boat’ as far as not having any friends in the same situation – all of our friends have kids or are happily single or (many of them, being married to an older guy) their kids are way older – like late teens – and they are dealing with totally different issues than we are. I don’t know if I should feel bad that most of the people I need to ‘catch up with’ are Computer People, or happy to have virtual ‘friends’. You know, ones I could have hot cocoa with if I came up to Seattle and chat about Jude Law’s hair. Which brings me to:
The Hotness’ and His Hair:
Exhibit A: Extremely hip/hot (SEXY) hair…but with an undeniable touch of “why is it parted two inches over your ear, darling?:
http://www.brilliance.nu/gallery/displayimage.php?album=123&pos=0
Exhibit B: Far to carefully mussed to detract from exceeding receeding hairline:
http://www.brilliance.nu/gallery/displayimage.php?album=123&pos=4
Exhibit C: Dinner and a combforward
http://justjared.buzznet.com/2007/03/11/jude-law-new-york-city/
Lastly, by his own word, a few years ago (Road to Perdition) ” The idea was that this guy is kind of rodent-like and he can hunt people down, no matter what little evidence or trail he has to go on. So we wanted to give him a rat-like look. We played with the teeth, the fingernails, the hair…. well, the hair’s receding anyway, but they took that receding hairline way back.” Note that last sentence.
He looks like he’s got MORE hair these days…all of which spell…H-A-I-R C-L-U-B, or else: H-A-I-R P-L-U-G-S.
April 27th, 2007 at 5:13 am
Sister, I RELATE!!
I must admit that I get a large chunk of my advice and warm fuzzies from y’all out there in cyberspace. And I’m not the least bit ashamed. Yes, I wish I could hug more of you in person, but the fact that you are available 24/7 is pretty darn handy. These days I blog to keep connected with my friends more than anything else.
As for the lack of cocoa… well… think of all the calories you’re saving! No?