FearsJune 8th, 2007 @ 4:56 pm
When I was about 12 years old my older brother and I got into a fight on our way home from the bus stop. I don’t remember what it was about, but words were said. Hurtful words. My mom sat me down and told me a story about when she was a teenager.
One spring day my uncles were playing a game together. The younger brother cheated and thus won the game. His older brother was upset. He got up and stormed out of the room telling his little brother; I wish you were dead!
The next day my 17 year old uncle got into a farming accident and died shortly after. My surviving uncle never forgave himself for the cruel words he said the day before.
My mom told me this story as a reminder that I needed to watch the words I said. She told me that I should never say something that I would later regret.
Words cannot be taken back.
I haven’t been very good at posting this week. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say. It’s that I don’t have anything nice to say.
I’m fed up. And fed up is not pretty on me. I’ve become an ugly person. An ugly person with no end in sight.
It boils down to the fact that I’m sick of living in this in-between state. I’m sick of making due with what were stuck with. What I thought would only be temporary has become my permanent. My life. The only thing I know.
I don’t remember what it’s like to have a yard. To have a place outside of my home to call my own. A place where I can throw a blanket down and hang out with my kid that isn’t inside surrounded by furniture and carpet.
I don’t remember what it’s like to have a bathroom to use while someone is in the other bathroom. Or a kitchen that we can fit in. Or appliances that work. Hell, I don’t even remember what it’s like to eat dinner at a table and not sitting on a couch with my plate resting on my lap.
I don’t know what it’s like to have my own bedroom without a crib in it. I’ve never had a nursery where I could hang up the artwork we bought for Babboo. I don’t own a dresser. I don’t have a place to keep my shoes. I don’t have room to hang up my jackets because our coat closet is housing baby clothes and a stroller.
I can’t remember what it’s like to be married to someone that you see when you get off work. I don’t remember what it’s like to spend a Saturday not stuck inside an apartment all day alone with a baby. I don’t remember what it’s like to eat dinner before 8:30 because you wait to eat with your husband. I don’t know what it’s like to have someone there to help me pick up the toys at the end of the night. I can’t remember what it’s like to have someone there to help you fold the laundry. Or dry as you wash.
I can’t remember what a normal marriage is like.
I’m afraid that it’s going to be like this forever. And I don’t know what to do.
Apartment Living · City Living · My Sweet Babboo · The King · The New House · They're just my family
Lindz
said,
June 8, 2007 at 5:06 pm
Hang in there chica. Things will get better and hopefully you’ll be stronger because of this experience. It seems to me that all long-lasting marriages have been through a “stage” or period of time like this and they all end up looking back on it as something formative, it’s just getting through it. You guys will make it to your very own yard, numerous bathrooms and a spacious kitchen and the rest will be in the past.
CPA Mom and Soccer Mom Angela
said,
June 8, 2007 at 5:19 pm
It is SO very hard to live in the moment when the moment sucks. And suck it does for you right now. What a brave thing for you to post about this. How hard it is right now. Try and keep your eye on the goal. How long before the house if finished? Can you get a sitter to watch Babboo at least one night a week and go over and help the King one night, picnic on the floor of the house in progress? Go out on the weekend on night a month? Find something, anything, you can look forward to each day, each week. And keep talking it out, here, to your friends, to King. This too shall pass, this too shall pass!
Operation Pink Herring
said,
June 8, 2007 at 5:19 pm
You are NOT an ugly person. I think you are a saint for working full time, taking care of Babboo and living with 3 people (and a cat!) in a 1-bedroom apartment. I really don’t know how you do everything you do.
Laura Moncur
said,
June 8, 2007 at 5:20 pm
Sorry to break it to you, but there is no normal. You can live a blissful life in 100 square feet. You can be miserable in a mansion.
This has less to do with your living quarters and more to do with your frame of mind.
Fix that and you can be happy anywhere.
Molly
said,
June 8, 2007 at 5:22 pm
Hang in there, friend. Though not completely, I understand where you are coming from. We’ve been crammed in our little house, working the long hours, and so forth for years and years. We’ve been waiting to move on from this little house since it didn’t sell three years ago and we yanked it off the market. Like you, our time is overdue. Most of the toys are packed, lots of our clothes are in boxes, the house must stay perfectly clean for showings, and we are living in a very uncomfortable way. I can’t wait for the day where I don’t have to hush KJ three thousand times so that Jack can get a nap five feet away. We’ve never known the luxury of a second bathroom.
Making the best of it is all we can do, and looking forward to better days.
Life is going to be really sweet when you finally get there!
Jura
said,
June 8, 2007 at 5:50 pm
It will sound counterintuitive for now, but that is what makes you a person so lovable. And the story you told today, you have now idea how much it was needed over here. I think you are a saint, and an angel, and those are supposed to be beautiful. As for me, I am fed up with people who get those things done for them (like, by their parents). I do not know you, yet you are my hero.
heidikins
said,
June 8, 2007 at 5:55 pm
Oh honey, I can’t say I know how you’re feeling, but I can understand your frustrations and fears. And I can understand how difficult it can be to keep your spirits up under such conditions. Keep hanging on, this too shall pass - eventually.
Nic
said,
June 8, 2007 at 6:00 pm
I have nothing to say other than to offer you big hugs.
Audrey
said,
June 8, 2007 at 6:01 pm
I agree with Lindz — in the long run, this will make your marriage stronger. I know it’s tough right now, but it’s not permanent (even if it does feel that way). I hope things start to get better very soon!
Are you planning on selling the new house like you did the last one? I hope that you get to stay in this house for a little while so you can enjoy the house and, more importantly, enjoy each other! You’ve definitely earned it.
Lizzy
said,
June 8, 2007 at 6:03 pm
Oh Isabel, this made me cry.
You’re not an ugly person for thinking these things. Your NORMAL. I can’t believe you’ve made do for so long.
I consider myself a fairly lazy person. Why do it myself when others can do it for me? Me? I’d have hired a contractor by now and had THEM do the flooring/roofing/whatever.
That you, The King, and Sweet Babboo have made do with this arrangement for so long puts you up for sainthood, sweetheart.
I’d be fed up, too. But you’ll get through this. I promise.
Hilary
said,
June 8, 2007 at 6:03 pm
Oh Isabel. I’m so sorry you are down. But from there? You can only go up. And up you will. Just make it through this phase and things will get better and you really will be stronger because of it. And you will appreciate what you have which is something that can’t be taught. I think you have to live through the bad in order to fully appreciate the good. And there is nothing better than being able to really feel good about the good because you know you have pulled through the bad.
Hang in there and take pride right now in the fact that you are a good mother to Babboo.
Amy W
said,
June 8, 2007 at 6:19 pm
I don’t know what else to say either as I am not sure how close or not close your great new house is to being done. We are hear for you to vent or talk about it whenever…
madmom
said,
June 8, 2007 at 6:19 pm
awww, i can imagine your frustrations. I hope for your sake that the longest part of this stop to your new home is behind you already. it probably feels like forever and once you are settled into you new house, this time will be a small little blip in your life.
Laurel
said,
June 8, 2007 at 6:39 pm
First of all, it won’t be like this forever. We promise. I think it’s amazing that you’re following this big house-building dream. It’s perfectly normal to get frustrated once in a while–particularly when life is feeling a wee bit claustrophobic!
Hang in there!
anna
said,
June 8, 2007 at 6:45 pm
Hang in there. We all go through spells like this where it feels like we are stuck in a rut. Luckily, they are temporary, even if we don’t realize it while it’s happening.
Is the house to a point where you and Babboo could go and hang out while the King works on it? Even if it’s to have a picnic lunch in your very own yard one Saturday?
Maybe this is a plan to help you remember how much you loathe having only one bathroom when you have to clean 7 of them some day.
Kathleen
said,
June 8, 2007 at 7:15 pm
Oh, hon. I’m sending HUGE hugs your way. I’m so sorry things are tough. I know what it’s like to feel trapped in a circumstance that completely sucks.
I’m definitely praying for you. Let’s do lunch next week, ok?
Emily
said,
June 8, 2007 at 7:30 pm
I know how tough the in between stages can be. We’re in that stage as far as school and careers go and I often wonder if we will ever be able to just pick up and go away for the weekend or will we always be so poor? You just gotta trust that if you’re dedicated to something, it will get better. Hang in there, things will improve as soon as the house is done!
Carrisa
said,
June 8, 2007 at 7:54 pm
I’m about to dive head first into months of suckiness while we remodel.
It won’t compare to what you are dealing with, but I’m here for cyber hugs and girl talk.
I wish that some extreme makeover crew would just show up and finish your house for you already. Where are the rich people when we need them?
Christar
said,
June 8, 2007 at 8:03 pm
I know there’s probably nothing I can say to make you feel better, but I know that it will get better. It may not seem like it now, but it will. I’m having those same sort of thoughts, but with money. I’m so broke all the time because I can only work part time. I hate it. I hate it so bad.
Sara
said,
June 8, 2007 at 8:16 pm
Wow, really thinking of you during this rough time! I can relate, in a way, because I’ve been in a graduate program for the past two years — I guess, though, that mine had a definite ending, so it’s different that way. But it does seem for me that so many other Big Things have happened, and it’s overwhelming. Hang in there — just think, you’ll be in your new house much longer than the current situation! All the best…
Marriage-101
said,
June 8, 2007 at 8:25 pm
Nothing ever stays the same. As said above - this too shall pass. Hang in there. Things can only get better.
HollowSquirrel
said,
June 8, 2007 at 9:00 pm
UGH I just want to move out there and help ya’ll out. Mr. Squirrel is good with house stuff, so he could help the King and we could all eat around a table at dinner. I’m so sorry you feel so sad at the current state. Does the King know all of these feelings? I hope he reads it and also knows that you’re very thankful to him for all he’s doing for the house and your family. With that said, maybe there’s something that could be done to change the situation. I’ll email you more directly. But, I want to give you a ginormous hug and help you pick up toys.
Jezer
said,
June 8, 2007 at 9:15 pm
You are doing a great job, way better than I ever would have. In fact, in much less confining situations, I have thrown full-blown tantrums. You are a very patient and understanding wife. I wish I could help, but all I can offer are thoughts and prayers and virtual hugs and pats.
Stacey
said,
June 8, 2007 at 10:20 pm
We all have our battles - sometimes they’re MUCH harder than others. At risk of sounding motherly (as a complete non-mother), I have to tell you things will get better and all of this crap you’re dealing with now will help you appreciate when everything finally comes together and is finished.
But you already knew that, right?
Alyndabear
said,
June 9, 2007 at 1:41 am
Just think about all the things you DO have; the worries won’t disappear but they will lessen slightly. Things are going to turn out fantastic.. I know this and I don’t even live in the same country as you do.
Bunny
said,
June 9, 2007 at 11:56 am
We’ll listen even when you don’t have anything nice to say. It sounds hard and frustrating to be in your apartment. And it sounds like getting the new house ready is a big job for the King. You guys will get there. I’m sorry it is ao hard right now! (And dear God Seattle must have a park-find a park where you can sit on a blanket. I have this sad little picture in my head of you and Babboo sitting on the floor of a teeny apartment with the sun shining outside and birds chirping and you two are sad and staring at each other.)
Anth
said,
June 10, 2007 at 2:27 am
Remember when you were pregnant? Like really pregnant? And you were quite sure you would be pregnant 4ever, because you couldn’t remember being able to see your feet, or sleep on your stomach, or use the missionary position, or all those other lovely things. You were going to be pregnant FOREVER. But you weren’t. You HAD the baby (the adorable Babboo) and now being pregnant forever is like an old, bad dream.
Well, maybe your new house is like being pregnant. You feel like you will always be in your tiny tiny apartment with no yard, you can’t remember anymore ever seeing your husband when you both weren’t exhausted. But your house will be done someday. And then this time in your life can fade to an old, bad dream.
I’m sorry. And I’m praying for you & The King.
Chas
said,
June 10, 2007 at 2:37 am
Oh yes, Isabel, please hang in there. There is an end to all of this, even if it’s not in sight quite yet. When I was 18, my parents started building their dream home. They thought it would take a certain amount of time to build, and of course it took much longer. Our current house sold quickly, and our little family of four moved into a two bedroom duplex. My parents, being the nice people they are, didn’t make their teenaged daughter and son share a room, so they slept on the foldout sofa in the living room….for a year! Oh, and my mom worked her then in-home hair salon out of our tiny kitchen. I really thought my mom was going to lose her mind. And I also really thought they might end up divorced over it all after 19 years of marriage. But they didn’t, and we finally moved into that stupid house, which they sold four years later b/c it was too big…gah.
ramblingmuse
said,
June 10, 2007 at 6:16 pm
Hey,
I haven’t been around in a while. I’m sorry to hear how you are going through a “this is SO not the life I expected” to be living moment. I’m going through the same thing when I think about all the years I’ve spent with roommates. I’m sooo ready for a place of my own. I’ve almost forgotten what is is like to leave a mess around the house without worrying about inconveniencing someone else. I could go on. Anyway, you’re not alone in your frustrations. Remember everything is temporary and as long as you let yourself feel the emotions, it’s ok. It’s when you pretend that things are ok that causes a bigger mess. It sounds like maybe you need some quality time with The King, without Babboo, even if it’s just for one evening. Is that possible to do? Hang in there and focus on the bigger picture and not the circumstances. *hugs*
Lisa B
said,
June 10, 2007 at 6:52 pm
I am so sorry lady.
You are a most beautiful person — inside and out. BUt the stress you have been under for so long is BOUND to get you down.
We lived in a teeny house and my hubby worked 70-80 hour workweeks. He was hardly home when Seth was a baby. There was no freaking room for stuff. It WAS hard and I was a very lonely, angry, resentful person who felt like the walls were closing in on me. So I know what you mean. You miss the hubby. You miss the quality of the life you used to have. And you want to share what you used to have with Baboo. It is very understandable. Sending you hugs.
Is there a countdown as to when the house will be finished?
Also, this is YOUR blog. So if you want to vent about frustrations, do so! We’re here. We’ll listen.
SJ
said,
June 10, 2007 at 11:05 pm
I can only repeat what every once else said, so I’ll simply say, ‘hang in there’.
It will all be worth it in the end.
janet
said,
June 11, 2007 at 3:44 am
big, big hugs!!!!!!!!!!!! I think the good thing is that, rationally, you know it’s not going to be like this forever. It just FEELS like it right now.
Jeannette
said,
June 11, 2007 at 1:40 pm
I’m so sorry you’re feeling bad, you’re always so cheerful. See the bright side of all this: you are living with two great guys and one of them is doing all he can so that the situation WILL change. Don’t let yourself down dear, the best is yet to come.
Rachel
said,
June 11, 2007 at 5:03 pm
So sorry to hear that you’re dealing with all this! It probably doesn’t seem that way, but it will get better. Just try to keep your head up and know that you’ve got lots of people that care for you and will do what they can to help.
Big hugs!
Courtney
said,
June 11, 2007 at 11:19 pm
Hang in there, sweetie. You guys will make it. You might even look back at this someday and laugh. Maybe.
DeAnn
said,
June 12, 2007 at 4:11 pm
I am SO coming to visit you. You need some cheering up.
And also, it’s NOT permanent. You will have this amazing home by the time Babboo even realizes he’s a person. He won’t remember the apartment. And also, there used to be this cheesy country song called “Love grows best in little houses” or something like that. Which is kind of true…
A
said,
June 13, 2007 at 3:53 am
I can empathize, believe me. I know what you mean and I’m sorry. Hang in there. I have to believe it will get better.
Frema
said,
June 13, 2007 at 2:46 pm
Your frame of mind can only help you for so long before your surroundings drive you to the edge.
You and The King have been so diligent in working towards your dream. I hope it comes to fruition soon.