Part III - I’m breaking the #1 blogging rule and totally writing about my personal family issuesJune 20th, 2007 @ 7:01 am
It’s emotionally draining to have to think about all of this. I have no one to blame but myself for brining it up.
Did you miss Part I and Part II? You’ll want to get up to speed before you continue reading.
It probably didn’t happen overnight, but it felt like it. Suddenly Biff cut himself off from the family. Sure he told us all he was gay. But then, nothing. He quit calling. He quit picking up the phone when we called. The King and I didn’t see him.
I can’t speak for his reasons for doing this. I can only share my speculations. I’m assuming that Biff wasn’t happy about the way things turned out. I think he assumed the family would freak out and make a bigger deal out of it. I think he wanted a bigger deal to be made. Truth be told, it was essentially a non-issue. We had known he was gay for years. Flat out known. We had seen the porn.
My Mom told me Biff sent her a book on how to deal with your child being gay. The thing was, my Mom wasn’t looking for a book. She was fine. Life continued for her. I got the impression that maybe Biff was in some sort of counseling and his therapist was advising him on how to deal with this.
Except really, there was nothing to deal with.
The next year my younger brother got engaged to be married. Of course it was assumed that all of the family would attend. The King and I bought our tickets and planned our trip. Biff wouldn’t commit. In an attempt to insure he would be there, my Mom and Dad bought him a gift certificate to be used for a plane ticket to the wedding.
Biff used the gift certificate to buy a ticket to San Diego for some sort of convention. He missed his brothers wedding completely. No gift. No card. No phone call on the wedding day to congratulate the Groom.
My younger sister got married eight months later. This is the sister that would fight for Biff to the death. She would stab me in the back to show her love and devotion to him, even though I’m the one that will actually pick up the phone when she calls. Biff won’t.
Again, Biff missed her wedding. No gift. No card. No apology or viable reason for not attending. This time my parents had wised up and not paid for a plane ticket for him. Thank goodness.
Basically this is where the story ends.
Sure I see Biff when my parents fly out to visit. They plan their trips around seeing him, even though he refuses to pick up the phone when they call to make plans. He has never flown back home to visit anyone out there. He lives within walking distance of our new house. He’s never stopped by to check on the status.
To be fair and honest, I’ve never stopped by his place either. The last time I talked to him on the phone (last year) it ended with me hanging up on him when he suggested my Mom cancel her upcoming trip to Seattle because it was a bad time for him.
(Please don’t be jealous of my mad photoshop skillz.)
In 2005 my entire family came to Seattle to visit. We met at the photo studio and got our pictures taken together. This one day Biff was available to get together. He finally met my siblings spouses.
My younger brother has a 2 year old little girl (and another on the way). Biff has yet to meet his niece. He’s seen Babboo once in the past year. And it was only because my parents took Babboo to his place while I was at work.
(Again, me with the short blond hair.)
To me Biff lives a very sad and lonely life. He refuses to work in the field of his degree, instead choosing to work part time evenings so he won’t have to wake up early in the morning. I have no idea how he spends his Holidays or what he does on his days off. I’m sure he has friends, a support group of people in his life that like him. But he seems to have forgotten about the family that he lived with and loved for so many years.
I wish that I could understand where Biff is coming from, what he is thinking. And then maybe all of this would make more sense to me.
But for now, I just sort of forget about him.
It’s easier, for me, that way.
So tell me, am I the only one with a story like this?
They're just my family
motomom
said,
June 20, 2007 at 6:01 pm
Sadly, no you are not alone. Or maybe not sadly, because others know what you are going through too. I am not at all close to my brother and sister. They both still live with my parents (to give him credit my brother did live on his own for a few years), both are in their late 30’s. My parents moved about 15 min. from me about 2 years ago. My kids go over to visit but I really only go at Christmas and spend as little time there as possible. My brother I believe is dealing with depression but will not seek treatment for it. My sister is self-centered to the extreme. My mom just enables all of the dysfunction in the home. I was fortunate enough to have gone far away to college and escape it all.
I do mourn the relationship I would have liked to have with my siblings, but I have moved on from that.
Frema
said,
June 20, 2007 at 6:05 pm
We don’t have any big drama in my immediate family, but we’ve had tons of it with my mom’s and dad’s siblings. They can be a crazy bunch.
Also, on a random note, one of my mom’s stepsisters is married but never takes her husband anywhere. She always brings her “friend,” Sherry–to weddings, showers, overnight trips, etc. No husband. Always Sherry.
So now we think of her as Uncle Sherry.
CPA Mom and Soccer Mom Angela
said,
June 20, 2007 at 6:17 pm
Sadly, not alone. My dad, didn’t see my sister’s kids until the oldest was 10! And he’s only seen my son once and never my daughter. We have zero contact now too; he disowned me on my birthday. Via email. And you know the back story on my backstabbing sister. So, yeah, I get it. I wish I didn’t but I do.
p.s. can you tell me who everyone is in that picture? as in “sister” “bil” etc.
Corinne
said,
June 20, 2007 at 6:25 pm
Our family has plenty of drama… but none where a person has alienated himself from the rest of us. True, there are a few closet gay people in our family, who I wish would just come out. I’m sorry for Biff that he’s missing out on such a loving family who has accepted him for who he is. And I’m sad for your family, who has to deal with his alienation. Maybe one of these days he’ll come to, and realize how lucky he has it when you think of how many families don’t love their sons/daughters/brothers/sisters when they come out.
Becky..Absent Minded Housewife
said,
June 20, 2007 at 6:53 pm
My brother is also this way, but he’s not gay. Who knows what his reasons are.
My husband’s father is this way. He’s not gay either. He and his wife are terrible narcissists though. Being reminded of their mistakes in raising my husband doesn’t fit in well with god complexes.
My older sister is gay. She never “came out”. We all knew and she started bringing around girlfriends. No drama. It just is what it is.
Carrisa
said,
June 20, 2007 at 7:06 pm
Gah! You even scratched out the King’s eyes on this one. Although I can now finally tell that you and your sis look alike in the face. Not in the boobs though cuz WOW.
I don’t really have a story like this to share. I do have a crazy uncle whom I can’t stand and I am to this day holding a grudge against his son that I should let go of. But no… nothing quite like this.
Such a shame to have a brother so close yet so far away.
Laurel
said,
June 20, 2007 at 7:08 pm
Wow. My mom has a brother who is only willing to intermittently be involved in the family, too. The issue isn’t his sexuality, but it does have to do with narcissistic behaviors, so it’s similar.
As my mom says, “Control what you can control and let the rest go.” You have to focus on your own life, especially when the family member causing these issues will not be satisfied by anything you do!
Operation Pink Herring
said,
June 20, 2007 at 7:15 pm
You’re definitely not the only one. I feel sad for Biff. He’s missing out on a lot.
Jezer
said,
June 20, 2007 at 7:17 pm
Um, my brother and my dad didn’t speak for SEVEN YEARS. Does that count? Oh, and I, of course, was thrown right smack-dab in the middle. Fun times.
All I know is that your brother is missing something wonderful by not being in closer contact with you.
Lizzy
said,
June 20, 2007 at 7:25 pm
Thanks so much for sharing this, Isabel. I know it’s tough to share and totally emotionally draining.
As you know, Biff and my dad could have a nice time alienating themselves from their family.
Unfortunately, you’re not alone in these stories. It’s so sad, and, as Jezer pointed out, because he’s missing out on something really great with your family and son.
Thanks again for sharing your story. We can only hope for the best, can’t we?
Steph
said,
June 20, 2007 at 7:29 pm
Its such a hard thing to deal with, because you being mad at him for not coming to family events definitely doesn’t make him want to spend more time with the family. I’m not saying that you are mad at him; its more of a hypothetical situation. I guess all you can do is just go out of your way to let him know that he’s loved regardless of the choices that he makes.
Emily
said,
June 20, 2007 at 7:32 pm
First of all, man….that’s some family resemblance.
Secondly, my cousin, who’s gay, kind of did the same thing. After she “came out”…well, not really, but starting living with a girl, she distanced herself from the rest of the family. She doesn’t even go see my grandma when she visits her town. No one gave her any shit or started any drama. And in a way….I think she wanted it. I just don’t get it.
Liza
said,
June 20, 2007 at 7:47 pm
Hey all — I blogged about this whole series over on LesbianFamily.org. Go, Isabel, with your brave and open self!
I think these 3 posts would be an awesome chapter in a PFLAG or Coming Out to Your Family book.
http://lesbianfamily.org/2007/06/20/shoe-meet-the-other-foot/
Rachel
said,
June 20, 2007 at 7:50 pm
Luckily, I’ve never had to deal with this. I am close with my family as well as my husband’s family. I can’t imagine what it must be like for you. My heart goes out to you and I hope that, before it’s too late, Biff realizes what he’s missing out on. I can’t imagine seeing little Babboo’s face and not wanting to be around him!
Nic
said,
June 20, 2007 at 7:53 pm
My honest impression is that Biff’s aloofness/absence is just kind of jerky, regardless of his sexuality. And if he’s intent on being a jerk, he probably would have been one if he liked men or women. And seriously, it seems as though he’s intent on being a jerk.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Family drama is so so so draining.
Brittany
said,
June 20, 2007 at 7:54 pm
That is so sad. I can’t believe your bro just completely ditched the siblings’ weddings. And the entire fam.
I hope he’ll make his way back to the family someday. Unfortunately, somtimes when people alienate themselves like that, they don’t know how to come back. They figure that it’s been too long and they can’t make up for lost time so they just stay away. It’s easier that way. Or at least that’s how it has happened in my family.
Kath
said,
June 20, 2007 at 8:00 pm
My brother, though not gay, alienated himself from our whole family 12 years ago. He has his reasons, though no one seems to understand them.
Now that i have a daughter, i find it even more sad that his four kids have been deprived all this time from their paternal grandparents, me, & my sister.
Blood isn’t always thicker than water, unfortunately.
Thanks for sharing !
freesia
said,
June 20, 2007 at 8:09 pm
I wonder if there is something else going on here — for me, reading your post, it seems like though your family was not negative or angry with Biff, there wasn’t necessarily a lot of loving welcoming of his news. Speaking as a lesbian with a non-homophobic, vocally supportive family, I was still terrified and sick feeling when I came out. Feelings of alienation run really deep, and I would say that the family needs to overcompensate especially at first to tell the GLBT family member that they are still loved and supported. I am sometimes still alienated from my family, simply because they say such incredibly hetero-focused things. They don’t mean to hurt me, but it sometimes really does. Maybe there is some healing to be done with the rest of your family around letting Biff know how much you love him and miss him, and how it’s totally okay and safe to be gay. If he’s still a jerk after that, at least you tried.
Wishing you much love and support!
DeAnn
said,
June 20, 2007 at 8:36 pm
I think sometimes even if you and your family believe there is nothing to deal with, there IS something to deal with for the person who tried to convince himself for years that he was something he’s not. He has a LOT to deal with, because he is the one who is finally admitting this freely, which is HUGE for people who have been trying to repress/change for so long.
My family has its share of issues, but I would never let my sister not be in my life. I am kind of obsessed with her.
Molly
said,
June 20, 2007 at 8:44 pm
Very sad ending to the story. Thankfully our Biff is a Sant, and walking through the “outing” process with her I could see a lot of what you talked about. She worried like crazy that our family, especially my (religious) parents, would reject her forever. She bought my mom a book also, one written by Ellen DeGeneres’ mom. But all in all, it turned out a lot like you said - everything stayed normal. Except now I get to buy her things with rainbows all over it, and she loves it.
It’s sad for your brother that he has such an accepting family, but has created barriers in his own mind. Maybe someday he’ll come around. I’m sure you’re a great sister to have.
(I should have written my comment in three parts, eh?)
Thanks for sharing this.
amieable
said,
June 20, 2007 at 9:22 pm
I’m sorry.
amieable
said,
June 20, 2007 at 9:25 pm
And your mom has your smile. I love it! Your family looks like they are all wearing those 3D glasses. Two nice, funny thing to enjoy amidst an emotionally draining post.
Audrey
said,
June 20, 2007 at 9:59 pm
I’m sorry things changed so much, and for no apparent reason. That has got to be incredibly hard.
My brother’s wife has a bad relationship with her parents. They’re barely on speaking terms, and her parents refused the invitation to the wedding. It’s a pretty sucky situation.
Eris
said,
June 20, 2007 at 10:14 pm
Frankly, it doesn’t sound as much like an issue with his being gay as it is with his being a selfish, narcicistic jackass. He wanted some kind of attention and didn’t get it so now he just pouts. You could write some kind of family letter and say “what gives?” because really, it is not as if any of you did anything to him and if he thinks something happened then the air needs to be cleared. If he doesn’t respond so be it.
My sister is a nightmare, and if it weren’t for my three year old neice I would have had to write her out of my life a long time ago.
I’m sorry the story didn’t end so well, I was excited for the conclusion. But at the same time? Such is life.
-R-
said,
June 20, 2007 at 10:57 pm
There are people in my extended family who haven’t spoken to each other in 20 years, and other family members who disappear for years at a time and then reappear for a family event without warning. So you’re not alone. But I hope you and your brother can eventually get back to a relationship where you speak on a regular basis (at least).
Chas
said,
June 21, 2007 at 2:13 am
Oh, I’m sure you’re not the only one with a story like this. My family is totally screwed up..just in a different way. I guess being dysfunctional is normal.
SJ
said,
June 21, 2007 at 2:54 am
One can only hope that Biff realizes what he’s missing by not having anything to do with his loved ones.
I’m sorry things ended the way they did, and I applaud you for sharing this story.
angela
said,
June 21, 2007 at 4:13 am
While I don’t think I have any gay family members, there are plenty of members of my extended family who don’t speak after a falling out. It’s just sad. The weird thing though is with Biff, it doesn’t seem like there WAS any sort of event or falling out. I think having something like that to blame it on would make this whole thing much easier, don’t you?
ramblingmuse
said,
June 21, 2007 at 5:36 am
I like your Dorothy Hamill haircut in that pic. And those blue tshirts are such a flashback.
I agree with angela. It’s strange that no falling out happened.
Amy W
said,
June 21, 2007 at 11:58 am
Weird ending. I just wonder what his holidays are like, just as you said…
Every family has something, I promise. Just too many of mine read my blog to mention ANYTHING about it. I am already bottom of the totem pole in so many ways, I can afford to lose more space…
Ella
said,
June 21, 2007 at 1:42 pm
Nice blog but do you mind identifying the people in the family picture? Atlest Biff? I’m having a hard time figuring out who everyone is besides you, the King, and your parents.
Jill
said,
June 21, 2007 at 7:43 pm
Unfortunately, My hubby and I have had to get away from his sister and close cousin. they both decided that they didn’t get to “live” when they were younger. They are now destroying the lives of their children, mothers, and soon to be ex-husbands. We have to focus on our own little family and not kissing their asses so they don’t feel so bad about what they have done! My mother-in-law can’t understand why we have to be so funny, but my kids don’t have to know about what their aunts are up to.
p.s. My kids absolutely LOVE my sister that is a lesbian. She is the person I would want to take care of them if anything was to happen to me and my hubby.
Christar
said,
June 21, 2007 at 9:26 pm
That’s super sad. I was hoping that he would have become close to you all again.
When my cousin got married (the cousin that’s like my sister), everything changed. It was actually when she started dating her husband. I mean, she went from being one person I knew my entire life, to being someone completely different. She rarely comes around our family and she acts like her husband owns her. She has to get his permission to do anything, even eat. It’s rediculous. And it makes me sad…
Courtney
said,
June 22, 2007 at 12:45 am
Wow! What a story. And so sad. Family is so important. I hope your brother wises up and makes an effort to get back into your lives.
My brothers and I had drifted pretty far apart over the years - living in different cities, with different busy lives. And then our dad died. It was such a tremendous blow to all of us. But it forced us to get close again. Now we talk on the phone, and visit, and we feel like a family again. I really hope it doesn’t take a tragedy to get your big brother back.
Anth
said,
June 22, 2007 at 3:20 am
I think I might be in the middle of that story. My sister is acting like a lesbian (having crushes on girls, kissing girls, hopefully no cowgirl porn), but when we (infrequently) talk, she updates me with cheery stories about the latest boy. Wha?? Everyone in my family knows. At a recent get-together, my dad’s brother asked about my sis being gay. She says she doesn’t know which way she swings, but she also lies to everyone, telling them what they want to hear.
I am sorry that for some reason your brother decided that everyone accepting him was the wrong response and turned his back on you and your family. That sucks. And doesn’t make sense.
metalia
said,
June 22, 2007 at 3:50 am
Oh, my. I’m so sorry. You, however, are handling this incredibly well.
ha
said,
June 22, 2007 at 4:23 pm
So sad. Nothing can replace a “lost” family member. Maybe one day he’ll realize what he’s missing out on.
(ps - I’m back from my 9 month hiatus!)
HollowSquirrel
said,
June 22, 2007 at 5:26 pm
You are the cutest little isabel ever in those pictures.
I think your brother had been building himself up for some big showdown with the unaccepting family, but when you were supportive and accepting, he wasn’t prepared for that reaction. Instead of altering his reaction, he’s looking at it as denial or unspoken unacceptance.
Not that I know him, but that’s my impression. It’s very sad.
hola, isabel » Blog Archive » I’m Breezy
said,
June 22, 2007 at 9:10 pm
[...] Thanks to everyone who left comments and sent me e-mails about my latest posts pertaining to my older brother and our lack of a relationship. Is it bad to admit that knowing a lot of families have similar problems makes me feel better about my problems? Because really, there are a lot of family issues out there in this world. [...]
Lisa B
said,
June 25, 2007 at 4:07 am
I’m so sorry to hear about your brother. I kinda agree with Hollow in what she’s thinking…
Lindsey
said,
June 27, 2007 at 2:48 am
Ah family drama. Fortunately, there are no big issues like this when it comes to my immediate family. We do have an aunt who decided that she would cut herself off from the rest of the family for no apparent reason. It’s just sad…sad like your story.