In which I write a few letters
Posted by Isabel on June 25th, 2008. Filed under: I Rock.Dear Property Managers at My Office:
I too noticed that the sun is out today. This does not mean that the office is automatically hot enough to have the AC on. Be assured, it’s still too cold for that. So, please, turn off the freakin’ AC so I can get rid of my space heater and take off this sweater!
Signed,
Isvejalke
(My fingers are too cold to type out my name properly. Get it?)
———
Dear Property Mangers at Our Old Apartment:
Dude, Washington state law states that you have to legally give us our deposit by last week. LAST WEEK!
Where is my d*mn money? I need it to buy lots of snacks and toys for our upcoming road trip.
Signed,
Give me my money
———
Dear Seattle Public Library:
Thank you for the stack of David Bowie CD’s that is currently sitting on my desk.
My iPod also thanks you.
Signed,
ChinaGirl
(That’s a title of a Bowie song. Get it?)
———
Dear IKEA:
Thanks for selling inexpensive curtains. First, the bedroom. Next, the front room.
(The neighbors thank you too. They were sick of seeing The King and I walking around nekkid.)
Signed,
It’s just a birthmark. I swear.
———
Dear Forehead:
Wrinkles? Really?
Signed,
I hate myself
———
So tell me, any letters you’ve written lately that you want to share with the rest of us?
(Don’t forget to check out my latest NewThing.)
June 25th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
Dear Boss,
Please install a ceiling with insulation on this side of the building so that what little warmth we have stops going straight up and out through the roof, leaving us shivering at our desks next to our space heaters. Since you won’t let us turn the heat on and you insist on turning the AC WAY up on your side of the building, we are freezing all the damn time. Not cool. (Or, rather, too cool. Get it?)
Signed,
Aufweioh (again with the cold fingers!)
Dear Isabel,
Thanks for the laugh!
Hearts,
Audrey
June 25th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Dear People Who Think It’s Funny To Pronounce “Target” As If It Were French,
Stop doing that. And most of all, stop acting like you coined the term “Tarjhay,” because, dude! That is so not original!
Much love,
Ready To Swing A Bat
June 25th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
Dear Landlord,
Just because YOUR office is air conditioned does not mean it is OK to ignore emails from myself and my fellow apartment residents begging for some kind of cooling device. Charging me to live in a brick oven is sooo not ok.
Sincerely,
Melting
June 25th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
I could write a book if I added up all the strongly worded letters I meant to write but never did.
My first letter would go out to people who think the elevator button should be pressed more than once. “Dear multiple elevator button presser”, it would go, “I’m so glad you were here to remind the elevator to function. They can be a lazy bunch.”
June 25th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
This is so funny. Mine would be:
Dear Self,
Stop reading so many sad blogs. The tear streamed face during the day doesn’t look good.
Oh And Dear company that makes my deodorant,
why do you not work anymore and why do I keep sweating thru my shirts – its not good
signed,
Stinky
June 25th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
you’re hilarious! by the way…
and wrinkles have been on my forhead since my early 20’s.
just blame it on a very expressive face.
June 25th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
and I guess I should play…
Dear Doctor,
I didn’t mean for it to come to this but desperate times call for desperate measures…
PLEASE INDUCE ME!?
I’m already a mother of three and this fourth belly seems extra heavy. I swear the baby will be at least 9 lbs.
I know this from past experience.
And I’m sick of spending my time laying on my side…I think my kids are getting a complex and it’s rather embarassing.
But really? This belly is SO HEAVY. I’m not making this up, Doc.
With tears,
mum.
June 25th, 2008 at 11:20 pm
Dear Plumber & Friend of my landlord,
It’d be really great if you could actually return the three messages I left regarding the apartment that has WATER IN THE WALL. It’s unsafe, unsanitary and unacceptable to have a tenant living in those conditions. Get your head out of your ass and call me back.
Signed,
Water Logged
June 26th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
The office air conditioning battles rage from coast to coast! I keep a shawl at my desk to wrap up in. I would write…
Dear All of My Worldly Possessions,
We are moving in just a few weeks.
Would you mind packing yourself?
kthanxbye
She who loathes Cardboard Boxes
June 27th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Dear Isabel,
Thank you for being awesome and pretty. Also, can you please tell me more about the Seattle area as we are contemplating a move.
Signed,
Your bestest fan ever (or something), Beth
June 30th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
Dear workplace,
If the chemicals from the carpet, furniture and printers make us sick to our stomachs within hours of the HVAC system going down, shouldn’t we perhaps use greener furnishings?
Sincerely yours,
A Poor Retch