In which I hope the SAHM’s don’t make me cry next
Posted by Isabel on October 24th, 2008. Filed under: My Sweet Babboo, They're just my friends, Work.Every morning I get dressed for work while feeling sorry for myself for having to wake up at the crack of dawn. I usually walk past Babboo’s bedroom on my way out of the house to make sure he’s still sleeping. My gut starts to hurt at this point it the day. This is the time of day when I’m reminded that I won’t see my kid for another nine hours. I’m always tempted to wake him up, just so I can get a hug or a “bye Mommy” from him. But It’s too early for him to wake up. I know he needs to stay asleep.
Every other morning I walk to the bus stop and dream about what it would be like if we could afford for me to stay home. I think about all my lady friends from my church congregation and about the fun things they have planned that I’ll be missing while slaving away at the office. I missed their trip to the pumpkin patch last week. I’ve never been able to go to their Thursday morning playgroups. I can’t join their 9am book club. I’ve yet to attend one of their Ladies Luncheons. I am left out of their little club 100% of the time. All because I work and they don’t.
Most of them don’t know my kid’s name and they really have no idea who I am.
And most morning, I feel sorry for myself about this. I feel left out. I feel like the world is working against me, all because I have a career and they don’t. I know it’s wrong, but I’m typically jealous of them. I know The King and I don’t have a lot of money and that’s why I work. I know it’s the best thing for our family right now. And yet, why do these SAHM have nicer clothes then I do? Why do they all drive better cars? How is it that their kids dress so nice? And dude, really, how do you afford those new DVD players in your van? How can they afford to go to the museums and the zoo every week? Why do they get to put their kids down for their naps everyday and potty train their own toddlers?
And why am I so darn jealous?
Until last night.
Today is the first day, in a very long time, that I was happy about being a full time working mom.
I hung out with some of the SAHM’s from church last night. It was their monthly Girls Night out. I hadn’t even planned on going. You see, I only get a few hours a night with Babboo and The King so to give up my one chance to see them is a hard choice to make. But this night out was scheduled late in the evening, so I would still have a little bit of time with Babboo. And so I decided to join the ladies.
And dude, was it a mistake.
I had no idea that these SAHM could be so catty. And over dramatic. And just plain mean to each other. In the first thirty seconds of the evening out unnecessary drama was introduced to the party. I’m talking about scathing e-mails, mean words about people’s kids, family secrets of (those not in attendance) shared, and tears. Actual tears.
These women are all adults. They are married and have kids and families and they were acting like we were all back in high school junior high. Apparently this type of drama is uber common in their SAHM group.
And I felt like an outsider. But this time I was okay with being the outsider.
I didn’t want any part of this drama. I didn’t want to know why they all hate Rebecca’s son. I didn’t want to know why Ginny’s family all hate each other. I didn’t want to read the e-mail Samantha sent Amy before the party. I felt like all eyes were on me and that I needed to choose sides and make alliances right that second. But I don’t want to make any alliances. I don’t want to be on one side and not the other.
I just wanted to go home.
But I couldn’t. I was stuck there for the rest of the evening until my ride was ready to go home.
I finally got out of there and returned to my house. I started to recount my unbelievable evening to The King. I told him I didn’t know what to do or how I was going to keep peace with all of these ladies. I mean, I have to serve with them at church. And I like them. I do. I just don’t want to be around this negativity.
So today, I’m thankful to be sitting in my quiet cubicle busily working on my tasks while listening to my iPod. There aren’t any sides to choose and nobody is talking bad about me or my kid or my husband. Nobody is judging my outfit or my kid’s clothes. And I don’t have to prove that my husband is the most romantic husband in the world.
And so what if I can’t go with them to see High School Musical III today because I’m at work. And who cares that I’m missing the luncheon.
This is where I’d rather be today.
So tell me, you SAHM’s out there, is this what it’s like for you? And if so, then I’m sorry.
October 24th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
I am not a SAHM… or even a Mom for that matter. But that’s awful! It sucks that women can be so catty and cruel and judgemental. It is even more shocking that these women are part of your church and all these hurtful things are occurring.
October 24th, 2008 at 7:13 pm
The other day in RS a visitor made a comment that as she sat in on our meeting she could tell there was none of that cattiness or backbiting that is so common in other wards. And I was flabbergasted, because I had no idea that kind of stuff went on. I thought all other wards were sunshine and rainbows like mine, but apparently not. Which is really really sad.
Maybe I’m just lucky, but the SAHMs I’m around are really great. I’ve never heard a negative word and I’ve NEVER heard of any drama in the 3 years I’ve been here. In fact, the only person I know of not liking another person is me not liking a certain person that drives me nuts. And when I’ve kind of hinted at it around one of my good friends she’s just shrugged and said that woman is kind of different and changed the subject. Which I’m pretty sure means I’M the catty one in the ward.
October 24th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
For me, the SAHM scene is totally relaxed and cool around here. I have been a SAHM for about 9 months now, after returning to work part time for 4 months, I decided it was best for us for me to stay at home. The Moms groups I’ve been to have been nothing but supportive and helpful, albeit I don’t go to every outing or playdate. I have read lots of stories and even saw an episode of “Tyra” about “Mommy Cliques” Sounds so awful, but so far so good for us!
October 24th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
I’ve never experienced anything like that. Of course, I’m not really part of a SAHM group, either. I have heard similar stories, though. It’s really too bad. I’m glad (for you) you’re not a part of that group more often. It sounds absolutely terrible!
October 24th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
I’m a SAHM and part of a group for moms of twins. There isn’t any of that cattiness with us, but I still wish I could go to work. I need more than a couple hours a week of adult time, but I wouldn’t make enough to pay for daycare times two. So, back to school I go, in the evenings and online, so someday I can afford to work. I never thought it would be this way.
October 24th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
There has been a lot of cattieness in our neighborhood, too lately. But not just the SAHM’s. I think it is just some women’s way of coping with things. Does that make sense? As a SAHM of three, I do not have time to get involved with all the gossiping and craziness- I am too super busy taking care of my kids, hubby, house, church responsibilites, volunteering in classrooms and trying to take a little care of ME in the midst of all of it. I think maybe the sahm’s in that group may need to get a life! (and the ones in my neighborhood, too!)
October 24th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
This is the first ward I’ve been in that wasn’t like that. My last ward was like that in the worst way. We lived in one city north from the Wealthy City in the county and those who lived in the North City all wished they lived in Wealthy City. They were all incrediby self-absorbed and acted the way they thought “the wealthy” acted. The only thing was that the people who lived in Wealthy City were actually some of the nicest people I’ve ever met. So, they only talked to those they thought were on the “higher rung of the wealth ladder” or whose husbands had “higher church callings” (whatever that meant). I had a husband in school and working at the local community college made them assume I wasn’t part of the first group. Although we probably made more money than many of them. But, I refused to play the game. When my very young husband was called as EQ President I was more welcome, but I still refused to play the game. I was there for five years and hated every second of it. I’m still a bit bitter about those stolen years. I was so lonely.
Then I moved to what is apparently Nice City and a different ward and stake and haven’t looked back. The people here don’t care about wealth. Everyone truly likes each other and are interested in each others lives. We laugh together, we cry together, we take care of each other and each other’s kids. It is absolutely amazing. The big difference between North City and Wealthy City: I think we are happy with where we are in life and know that every one has their ups and downs. We’re also more educated (it’s surprising what a difference that makes). And I’ve found that the more you know the more you realize you don’t know and so there is more humility amongst those people.
So, I’ve seen both extremes and I’ll admit that I love the current one. We did have a woman who moved in who had a tendency to gossip and create cliques but, she found how unappreciated that was pretty quickly. And then she moved and I’ve felt no remorse.
So, stand your ground, speak up, and you’ll soon find that there are other people out there who are looking for others like you because they don’t want to be with those “other women” either. Good luck.
October 24th, 2008 at 9:34 pm
And one more thing. About them dressing nicer than you and driving nicer cars, etc. I bet they also have more debt than you.
October 24th, 2008 at 9:46 pm
That is really sad, Isabel.
I had a Girl’s Night In last night. Fifteen women from my church, most of whom are SAHM’s. We talked, we laughed, we had SO MUCH FUN. Gossip is something that we never do…but we do talk about the sad state of our boobs after breastfeeding
My group of friends do nothing but love each other, support each other, pray for each other. It sounds like the women you met with need to read the Bible a little more often
I hope you can find some women whom you can trust and who can encourage you. It is a true blessing.
October 24th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
Wow,
That really sucks, I belong to a church group and we’re pretty much all supportive, kind, compassionate and non judgmental. Of course there is the occasional bit of gossip, but none of it is negative, and never done in a group setting. Those same group of people you were with last night would still probably gossip even if they did work out of the home, I don’t think their career choice has much to do with it. I worked in a office before I had kids and the gossip and backbiting was much worse there than it is in my church group. I bet you can find another group of ladies in your neighborhood that you have more in common with. Sucks to have to make choices like that doesn’t it? Church friends should be a sure bet, but that’s not always the case.
October 24th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
I’d like to say it is and make you feel better… But when I went to MOPS none of the women were like that. Not really. It was a great friendly group and I went for six years. But yeah, some can definitely be like that (see: my ex-friends), but I try to distance myself from it.
October 24th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
If it’s any consolation, they bought all those clothes and crap on credit.
October 25th, 2008 at 12:29 am
Wow. That sucks. I am a SAHM (I do childcare as well, so I guess I’m technically a WAHM?) but my friends DO NOT act like that AT ALL. I’d definitely distance myself from all that crap as well. And from church women? They should not be acting like that at all. Where the deuce is the LOVE and the GRACE and the KINDNESS?
Not all SAHMs are like that. Thank goodness!!
(ps. I drive an old van, my kids wear clothes from the discount rack, and I do not have a DVD player in my van. But, I do get to put my kid down for a nap and I do go to the museum often. But it’s free.)
October 25th, 2008 at 12:49 am
I’m not all that surprised, but it’s still really sad. I doubt it’s a SAHM thing, I think it’s more just the way certain women are.
October 25th, 2008 at 1:54 am
Don’t worry, life will smack that crap out of them sooner or later & they’ll realize how stupid they are (oh wait, is that catty of me??? Too bad…) But whatever, we don’t have time for that kind of drama. I know how hard it can be to feel like you don’t “fit in” at church. When that’s happened to me in the past, I realized that I was making the problem myself. As soon as I stopped caring & just acted like myself, it was a lot easier. Not that that’s YOUR problem. Your problem is that you are too awesome & they have NO IDEA! Poor ladies. To not know such awesomeness is so close!
October 25th, 2008 at 8:19 am
Umm…no, that isn’t how it is for me at all. My SAHM group is not through my church, but I do belong to a group, and it’s pretty darn awesome. I also have a smaller group of mom friends within our mom group, and we all just get along so well. There is never any drama. We all get together, laugh, let the kids play, make dinner for each other when we’re sick or having babies, throw baby showers for each other, pick up each others kids when we’re not up to getting out….it’s better than I ever thought it could be when I was a working mom. I know that isn’t what you wanted to hear…or maybe it was. Anyway, those moms that have all those things that you don’t…I see them too. I have a feeling they’re selling their souls to Visa and AmEx.
October 25th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
wow this is a huge generalisation on SAHMs. Let me offer another view as I see it.
Many SAHMs don’t get an opportunity to get away from their kids and have a night off for some adult conversation. Taking care of a child(ren) 24/7, 365days a year can be exhausting. Many may not earn enough in their jobs to make it worthwhile sending their kids to childcare. If more than half of a mum’s wages is going to go on childcare and 10% more on travel etc – it doesn’t make it worthwhile at all. So having a night off to go hang out with other mums in similar situation and vent all your stress about family/friends/life/hopes/despairs/life passing you by one diaper at a time can be a wonderful thing. To know that these other women are going to listen to you, share their own angst and to laugh and cry and moan and whinge and then let you go home to be the “SAHM” helps. Plus many of these women only know each other – other mums who they feel understand them. While you know people from work whom you talk about work issues (adult conversation outside of the “mother and child” topics. Maybe you email and chat to other working mothers about office goss/annoying co-worker or boss/ what you wore today/what you saw during your commute/how u miss your son/how hard it is to deal with work and home stress at the same time/day care worries etc etc which helps you feel better and accepted and understood and not alone.
There is a lot in common than you think. Do you get what I’m saying?
I’m a SAHM right now. This doesn’t mean I will never work outside of the home again (esp since i pushed myself through law school). I also think it is important to be self reliant and to be able to pay the bills and put quality food on the table and provide a quality education – if my husband is unable to do this then I will be working right now. If he earned less than me he would be a SAHD right now. But if I have to go into unnecessary debt to achieve this or have it all – I just wouldn’t do it – coz not all of us cal have it all.
SAHMothering takes sacrifices too. Different kind of sacrifices than a working mum but we ALL make different sacrifices to give ourselves and our families what we think they need most cos we love them more than our own lives.
So, you are right in doing what u think is best. Don’t feel judged by the SAHMs. Don’t feel that being a SAHM will turn you into catty, judgemental, gossip queens.
I bet those SAHMs you know are doing what they know best for their families. There is enough crap going on in the world against women/mothers (esp 3rd world countries) we can all at least come together and love each other. Because I know you’ll agree- a mother’s responsibilities (whatever her day job may be) is never done and is irreplaceable. =)
October 25th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
For the reasons you mentioned at the end of your entry? Is why I tend to stay away from “groups” of women. It’s not limited to whether they stay home with their kids, though – I can’t say I am comfortable with that generalization. Most of my girlfriends are unmarried, working, and have no children. And I can’t say I like to go out with them in groups, either. We also stay away from playgroups altogether and prefer to play with one family at a time, where I have more control of what’s going on with the kids and what kind of conversation we end up with as adults.
It was very difficult for us, up until the last few years, to live on one salary. To this day I’ve not owned more than a Target purse or sunglasses, and my wardrobe has always consisted of two pairs of jeans and a handful of shirts. Now that Kevin works a million hours a week, we are comfortable owning a nicer car for one of us, but that’s the extent of our extravagence as a stay at home family. I would be willing to bet my right arm (and Lord knows I need it) that there’s a pretty big facade going on with the moms you described who can afford anything and everything. It’s pretty much always that way, even in more affluent communities. And if they insist on telling you what they have? You can be sure of it.
I’ve got another side of the coin altogether with the women I look at – my girlfriends who turned thirty this year and flew off to Vegas to celebrate, who’ve advanced their careers and earned Masters degrees, who sleep until ten a.m. on Saturdays and really do have money to buy things like Coach purses and cute shoes. With them I am categorized in a group all my own because not only was I the first to get married, but I was the first to have kids – and still the only of us to have kids. I can’t relate to their boyfriend stuff anymore, I have no career to discuss, and when we talk about upcoming plans mine somehow always include zoos and children’s museums while they talk about wine festivals or this or that bar. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be thirty and All My Own, but I’ve chosen the life I have and as long as I don’t compare myself to anyone (as I just did, yikes) I’m happy.
Sorry to hijac your comments section. I should also say it’s been fun to read about your trip, and I’m glad you guys had fun!
October 25th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
There is a fair amount of drama among the women of my ward, but it’s not exclusive to SAHMs. I think drama is an unfortunate happening that surrounds women of all circumstances. Women can be so mean and nasty to each other.
October 25th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
I know exactly what you are talking about. I’ve worked since I was 15 but decided to stay at home after my son was born a month ago. I love being home with him, most days (these growth spurts are rough)! I also miss working with a team of people and achieving work-related goals. Mom life is just as demanding but in different ways…But here’s the real problem. I am finding myself lacking non-RIDICULOUS people to hang around with. It’s like, pop out a baby and enter a different world… There are a couple other people who have recently had babies that I can hang out with, but I’m sick of being judged for not breastfeeding or putting my baby in a bib that says, “Spit Happens.” (Apparently this is vulgar.) My single friends don’t want to have to cater to a newborn, which I can understand. And the only other choice are the older Moms whose kids have kids of their own, which can be fun until you get so full of advice that you could burst. Good thing I like my husband so much, or I’d be at a serious loss for someone to talk to!
October 25th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
That’s not really a “SAHM” thing… that’s a WOMAN thing. And now that Babboo is getting older and you will be put among other ‘moms’ more often (working or not) you are going to see this a LOT.
This is why I started to avoid the PTO meetings. Didn’t stand and ‘chat’ with the Moms picking up at Kindergarten. I hate serving on committee’s and dealing with the volunteer groups for school functions.
Dance Moms, Soccer Moms, Football Moms, etc. Any group you’ll find the snarkiness sneaks in.
Dude – this is why I AVOID ALL WOMEN!!!!!!! LOL.
Seriously. I keep away from most of the “Moms” from the kids schools in general and this is over 7 different schools in 2 different states and 4 different cities from Kindergarten on up to High School. 98% of the Moms are ‘working’ Mom and are still that way. It’s NOT a *sahm* thing. It’s a female thing.
October 25th, 2008 at 9:46 pm
It makes me sick to hear about woman treating other woman that way, but I agree with meritt, it’s a woman thing.
We just moved from a neighborhood were everyone got along and EVERYONE was included. We did a lot of things together as girl friends, and as families. I have never felt so at home since I left Seattle. Now we live 1 mile down the road and it is night and day different. The ladies here are horrible. I ran into 2 of them at the pool this summer and they acted like they didn’t see me sitting 5 ft from them. I know they know who I am because my son goes to scouts at one of their homes. It’s just they way this neighborhood is and it’s really lonely.
October 26th, 2008 at 2:14 am
Dude. I have never been around other SAHM’s that act that way! That’s some crazy shit.
October 26th, 2008 at 2:31 am
that is a total bummer. i am a SAHM and i am totally blessed to have a group of wonderful SAHMs to hang out with. we have all gotten to be great friends and the sisterhood i have with these friends has gotten me through some really tough times in the last year. i think we would be friends though even if we all had jobs so the fact that we stay at home has little to do with the fact that we get along so well, it just makes it easier to spend a lot of time together.
October 26th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
I am so not into drama. I love a girls night out or a mom get together, but I only choose to surround myself with positive people. If I discover that someone has those negative drama-prone tendencies, I tend to avoid them. I find that the women in my ward who I choose to hang out with are very supportive of each other and try their best not to be that way.
October 27th, 2008 at 1:16 am
[...] sleep or who feels guilty about not being able to get to the housework. I’ve found women who explain their desire to work AND be a Mom and people who think they might be going a bit crazy [...]
October 27th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Mean people suck. End of story.
(Great post, btw.)
xox
October 27th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
I agree that it’s a female thing – but it’s also exacerbated a lot by stay at home moms (of which my own mother was one and she often felt the others were exactly the way you described the group you know). I’m currently reading “Get to Work” and while I think the author may be a bit overly-militant in insisting that childraising is NOT the best use of women’s talents, I do agree on one point – in modern society, where we have appliances to do housework and public schools to do educating, women who have at least eight hours to themselves with no intellectual challenge often represent the worst of human nature.
October 27th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Lame
It’s a location/woman thing, as so many have pointed out. You can move two miles away and have a totally different mommy group experience. If only we could “try out” a ward for a few months and then see if it’s one where we want to stay. Alas, it is not how it works. 7 months in my neighborhood and I have yet to make a good friend (and I am a SAHM, that freelances). And it’s not catty here, just not so friendly, and a clique-y ward (because of different subdivisions–ergo some more expensive).
Additionally, I have found that the childless women and the working women tend to doubly not want to make friends with the SAHMs. Sometimes it appears that we aren’t intelligent enough or what I have to say as a SAHM isn’t valuable, after all what could I know when I sit on my tuft everyday blogging and eating bon bons?! (kind of like Vanessa’s commet above–”with no intellectual challenge often represent the worst of human nature.” OUCH)
There seems to be so little tolerance. Everyone wants to make their decision more valid and more correct, so they seem to belittle the other side. Which sucks. Because nobody knows the best decision for a family more than that family. And everyone else should not care. And women seem to offend the most in this area, even when they are similar, like both SAHMs or both Working Mothers. There still is a need to make yourself feel better and more validated for your choices, so you put down the other.
It’s nice to have friends to vent to, but backstabbing is low and unfortunate. All I can suggest is to loudly change the subject or find a different group (which I know can be nearly impossible in some wards). Be grateful for who you are and who your family is. If you really want to stay at home, you will find a way someday. I could make ten times more if I went into work and not freelance from home, but I have learned to not care about a lot of things I can no longer afford. And I’ve learned to find crazy good sales for clothing and (HORROR) make bread! But, point is, it works for ME! And hopefully I will be able to move soon into a nice, quaint neighborhood and find easy-going, good friends (at least ONE, right?).
This comment is entirely too long. I didn’t realize I had so much to say! Good luck, Isabel, you’ll work it out (or move to Sugarhouse with me and we can be non-catty together!)
October 27th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
This goes back to a post I’ve been trying to come up with. Essentially, I still feel like we’re all in high school. It’s annoying, isn’t it?
October 27th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
It’s not just contained to SAHMs. We had a lunch table like that at my old job. There were about 8-10 “regulars” that sat there, along with others who were “allowed” to sit there. They would gossip during lunch, then go back to their desks and email each other their snarkiness and sunshine the rest of the day. I guess some people never leave high school.
October 27th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
The times that I feel left out and jealous of SAHM’s are the times that I remind myself of how lucky I am to be totally left out of the loop and drama free.
I graduated from high school many years ago and don’t really want to go back there!!
October 27th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
Maybe your church should try to encourage evening activities in the acknowledgment that 72% of women now work ( even Religious ones ) – I think they do the daytime activities to cultivate the Mommy Wars frankly. Set you against your sisters and bully you into economic dependence.
Oh and how do they afford all that stuff? CREDIT.
October 27th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
Hi there, I love this post. We’re running a series at http://www.BettyConfidential.com on working moms and stay-at-home moms, and we’d love to reprint this–of course with a link back to your blog. I can’t find your e-mail address on your site, but if you’re interested please send me a quick mail and I’ll give you more details. thanks!
October 27th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
This behavior would not be enjoyable to anyone. However, I don’t think that it is a SAHM thing. It took me a long to realize that I am an adult and can chose who I want to spend time with. Women and men can be inconsiderate, catty and generally unlikable and it is usually due to insecurities. Also, sometimes people have bad days and they don’t represent who they are very well. I’d figure out if you gained anything from the experience and if so, great. If not, then move on….I am sure your church other women that are worthy of spending time with.
October 28th, 2008 at 1:57 am
It’s a woman thing in general. I’m a SAHM and my friends, while not part of a formal group, aren’t like this at all. My husband and I are lucky to have friendships based on what we agree on (beliefs, life, etc.), not what we have in common. Of course, a lot of those people are single, but most of them are married with children. It’s makes for really sweet friendships!
October 28th, 2008 at 2:47 am
You should see the moms in the Parent’s Club at school! YEESH! Working moms and SAHM’s alike!
October 28th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Yeah it can be, but it depends on your area (and where it applies your ward). We just moved to Wisconsin from Texas. I found way more of that before we moved than I have found here! Not as much as you describe, but some. But in Texas we lived in the suburbs, and here we live in a farm community within commuting distance (it is getting more developed and suburban every year, but still has a pretty rural/relaxed vibe).
I can only handle staying home for about a year and then I need to go back to work (I teach, so this works out better than it would in some professions). I think that the problem is that women who stay home don’t have a lot of real drama or activity in their lives, other than their kids, so they need to stir some up. Sometimes they do this with lots of activities, sometimes with lots of gossip!
Glad you found a way to get through a while at work without the guilt… that is pretty precious (no matter how twisted that sounds).
November 6th, 2008 at 2:38 am
I’m not a SAHM, but I agree with everyone else that this isn’t a SAHM problem, it’s a woman problem. I think it’s also a problem of one side stereotyping the other without knowing the full story. You mention envying those women’s nice clothes, but maybe they look at you and envy your ability to take lengthy vacations in another country and live in an apartment while working on a house for as long as you were able to. In this group, it sounds like you might have the same amount of money they do – you just choose to spend it on different things. You all make the decisions you’re most comfortable with.
But yeah, I wouldn’t go back, either.