In which I yell. And cry. And bake cobbler.
Posted by Isabel on August 17th, 2009. Filed under: Work.I yelled at my boss today.
I’ve been in the real-working-world for over twelve years. In those twelve years I’ve showed up to work everyday with a clean outfit that required some thought. I shower every day. I wear make-up and jewelry. Every day. I put a smile on my face, every day, even on the days I didn’t feel like smiling. I always do my work, again, with a smile on my face. I’ve always been the nice girl in the office. The one that everyone was happy to work with.
And in those twelve years I’ve never raised my voice to a coworker. Especially not to my boss.
But today, I totally yelled. Not at just same random coworker, but at my actual boss. The guy that approves my time sheet. The guy that gives me my yearly review.
Unfortunately the yelling isn’t the worst part. The worst part is the yelling and the crying.
Oh yes, I got so upset I cried. I tried so hard to STOP THE TEARS. Which just made the tears flow faster. (Thankfully I had a tissue in my pocket, or the snot would have been everywhere.)
In case you weren’t aware of this: when you cry at work you lose the respect of every man in the office.
(Note to the interweb: THERE ARE ONLY MEN IN MY OFFICE!)
So yeah, I’m pretty sure I lost everyone’s respect today. Maybe I didn’t lose my boss’ respect, since he did apologize for the reasons leading up to the yelling and the crying. But the rest of my team? Yeah, they’re never going to look at me the same again.
Oh, speaking of losing respect at the office, are you aware that if you’re the only female in the office and you bring baked goods in to share that you will be looked at as a “mother” and not a “competent and equal coworker”? Right, so naturally, before I yelled and cried, I brought in some blackberry cobbler to share with the guys.
Two things in one day. And it’s only Monday.
I feel like tomorrow I need to show up to work in black slacks, a suit jacket, flat shoes, and my hair totally slicked back into a pony tail. Sans make-up, sans shower, sans anything feminine. Seriously, I might just have to cut my hair and grow a mustache just to get the guys to forget about the crying…
….and the blackberry cobbler.
All kidding aside, I truly am nervous about showing my face at work in the morning. Do I just act cool and pretend there was no crying and yelling? Do I send out an apology e-mail to everyone that heard and witnessed the crying and the yelling? Or apologize just to my boss (even though I’m not sorry about the yelling)?
Oh yeah, and my husband called me a slob this weekend. I’m still waiting for his apology e-mail.
August 18th, 2009 at 5:13 am
Just act cool. And don’t waste your cobbler on office dudes. It’ll blow over. Make yourself some pie.
Loves.
August 18th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Oh wow. You totally deserve a do over on the day. And I totally agree with May that the office dudes don’t deserve cobbler (with or without a side of office drama).
August 18th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Don’t apologise to anyone there. no need to do that.
just keep going as normal. if they make remarks/jokes about the baked goods or the incident…..make sure u take it up with your boss/ higher management.
August 18th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Do what a man would do: Act like nothing happened. Apologize to your boss, but make it short and sweet. After that, just let it die.
I’m sorry that happened to you. Sending huge hugs your way.
August 18th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
I dont think you should send an email apologizing to everyone. I think you should casually say to your boss that your sorry your emotions got the best of you and then drop it — then go about your normal business.
Keep the cobbler for yourself, too!
August 18th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
I’ve heard that women apologize at work WAY more than men. So your apology might backfire and make you look even more like “the woman.” I agree that acting like nothing happened is the best way to handle it. Men hate talking about women crying as much as they hate watching women crying, from what I can tell.
August 18th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
I totally yelled and cried at work once… but I was working retail… I was supposed to be training to work in the office of a department store and the girl who was training me was icky and not a very good trainer. I got mad at her for not explaining things to me correctly and then making me do all her work while she went off and did her nails. So basically I screamed at her and tried to run out of the office. She got between me and the door and slammed the door in a higher-ups face. I managed to push past her and go through the warehouse crying. Classy.
I ended up not working in the office because I wanted nothing to do with the icky girl. They found a spot on the floor for me instead.
August 18th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Here’s hoping you have a nice boring day today and I totally agree with May don’t waste your yummy treats on office nerds.
August 18th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Don’t apologize!!! If your boss did something to lead to the yelling and the crying (which obviously he did), then HE is the one who should be doing the apologizing, not you. And as for anyone else who may have heard what was going on…it’s just none of their business.
At a previous job, I had not one but TWO major temper-tantrums (there’s just nothing else to call them) at the Executive Director. She 100% drove me to act like a psychopath but of course I was embarrassed once I got over how mad I was at her. Both times she would have been justified in firing my ass, but somehow she recognized that it was her fault for driving me to the edge. In the end, it made our working relationship better…and I think she was a teeny bit afraid of me after that…so this could work out well for you in the end!
August 18th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
I would matter of factly tell my boss (in private) that I was sorry my emotions got the best of me and say that it wouldn’t happen again. I’d probably also reiterate the importance that whatever made you cry wouldn’t happen again and maybe come up with a good, neutral solution to prevent it in the future. I wouldn’t bring in baked goods again either. I wouldn’t even acknowledge it happened to the others as that would be acknowleding their eavesdropping, which I am sure you don’t condone. As a woman in a male-dominated field, I understand your situation completely. It’s really, really tough. I feel for you.
August 18th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
I work in a female-dominated office where there are 5 guys total out of over 40. The odds are pretty good that there will be baked goods and crying at least once a week. I suddenly feel grateful for this.
I wouldn’t over-apologize. If your male coworkers are stereotypical men, apologizing is also too girlie. Men don’t often apologize, they just act as if nothing happened.
Though honestly? If they have any sense about them they should get that having a woman around will show them a thing or two about being in touch with FEELINGS. There’s no need to feel sorry for having feelings. Sure maybe it wasn’t your shining moment but still, they should respect you for the work you do, not this one break which seems warranted.
Or at the very least, not eat your cobbler.
August 18th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
I will consult “Nice Girls Don’t Make it to the Corner Office” and let you know what it says you should do.
August 18th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Crying at work sucks! I’ve done it twice. Both times because things at work were bad but things at home were terrible. Don’t underestimate how much of the crap you are dealing with personally will reduce your ability to deal with crap at work. I agree with everyone else. No apologies. The great news is you just frightened the hell of out of all of the guys you work with – particularly because you’ve always been the nice girl. And men respond well to fear – it’s a good thing in the long run that they won’t take your calm sweet demeanour for granted anymore. But to keep the mystery in place, not a word of apology or explanation. Not even to your boss. Pretend that you had every right to lose your temper (because actually you probably did…) – men lose their tempers all the time and nobody thinks they are weak. /rant
Oh and the cobbler – send it on over to me. I’ll eat it!
August 18th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
I cry at the drop of a hat (usually at least 2-3 times a week, unless Hallmark has a new commercial, then 4-5 times), although it’s only rarely happened at work (at least, not in front of other people). The couple of times it has, I’ve just apologized for being unprofessional, and then pretended it never happened. They still seem to respect me.
You’ve been at your job a long time – I don’t think you’ve lost their respect.
August 18th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
I would probably apologize to my boss – but keep your emotions on the sidelines. Also, in regards to your other coworkers, don’t say a word about it. Whatever happened is none of their business. Nevertheless, crying at work sucks! Hope you’re having a better day today!
August 18th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Being female sucks sometimes, doesn’t it? I think its grossly unfair that we are wired to be more sensitive – except for the fact that I’m grateful I can experience feelings so deeply – just makes other parts of life more complicated. I may not have yelled at my boss recently, but I did break down in near tears quite recently. My action was to flee the room as soon as the tears started. Really. The conversation went something like: “I have to leave” He said: “Just one thing” I said: “No, really, I’m leaving, but I’ll come back.” It took me less than 5 minutes to compose myself in the bathroom, but still, it was shameful to exit in such an ungraceful manner. Even when I did return, the conversation was awkward and I bravely worked through a wrap-up to the conversation that we would have to revisit the topic the next day when I had time to work through my thoughts. Fortunately, it was a topic that could wait until the next day. I have loudly sobbed in the bathroom stall more times than I care to admit.
You should apologize for yelling. You might acknowledge what brought you to the point of yelling and (if you have thought of something) mention what could have happened differently. Which is tricky because you want to reinforce that you are quite capable of dealing with stress/conflict without yelling, but this one time you happened to lose it. Human nature. I’m sure your track record of years without yelling / crying says a lot about how you really are a great person to have around the office.
August 18th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
I just read through the comments – there were quite a few differing opinions on the matter – so you get to choose the opinion that is best for you!
August 18th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Man, this post was painful to read. And then there was yesterday. Ugh. Hope you’re better today.
XOXO
August 18th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
I work in HR. Just so you know, more people cry at work at some point than don’t. Not sure if that makes you feel any better. Even men cry at work! I often get calls from managers who have had a difficult conversation with an employee that has included tears/yelling. Seriously – often!
As for the baking – tomorrow you should go in scratching your crotch, burping and … swearing? talking about strippers? just to assure the colleagues that you are not their mother.
August 18th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
Oh no poor you! I’ve not been working as long as you (only graduated from uni in 2006) but have worked in various places and never thought I’d find anywhere as bad as day nurseries for treating staff like sh*t… but seriously, the city council (local government) is even worse and I have experienced more angry words, backstabbing and tears in my past year than ever before! Of course, my office is mainly female which makes it different, but the point is that one of my colleagues COMPLETELY lost it in a meeting one morning, when both our managers were there, she cried, she shouted, she walked out and quite literally quit her job all in the space of 5 minutes. After several “emergency meetings” she came back and is still working there and nobody thinks any less of her (yes I know we’re female but even the guys have admitted they have felt like doing that on many occasions!!) What I’m trying t say is don’t feel guilty, don’t apologise and don’t worry, it’s hard now and embarrassing, of course, but you might actually find your colleagues feel more empathy for you than you think!! Hope all goes well for you tomorrow xx
August 18th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
No apologizing!
I have suffered through several at work cries and sadly although you might momentarily lose respect I think you actually gain…. fear…. from male coworkers because they realize you are human (and woman.)
August 18th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
Ugh, I’m so sorry!! Perhaps if you wore a fake mustache it would help. Both in the respect issue and in the make you forget about the crying thing.
I’d use the crying thing as leverage, apologize to your boss for becoming emotional, but not for what you said/take blame or responsibility for any of the events leading up to said emotional moment. Tell him this has never happened before, it won’t happen again, and that the situation absolutely must change because it is unacceptable. Make it his problem. Guilt him if you have to. That’s what we womens are good at.
xox
August 18th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
I’m sure all the eavesdroppers know your boss deserved to be yelled at. And the cobbler if anything endeared you to them before the breakdown. I hope you’re surviving the mortifying “day after” (I’ve been there) and I hope that The King apologizes for his insensitivity stat! (We’ve all been there.)
August 18th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
I’m sorry! It sucks when we’re put in those kind of situations, especially when we don’t deserve it. You sound like the model employee (and a very clean, fashionable one at that). Hopefully your boss and all your co-workers are understanding and don’t look at you differently. And the cobbler? So awesome. You deserve some kudos for being awesomely awesome.
August 18th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
Here’s my advice from working with all men: bringing dessert is fine from time to time (just don’t let them take advantage of your baking skillz), be human, and they don’t have the same emotional memories as women so chances are even though you’ll be thinking about it for a long time they’ve long since moved on.
August 18th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
Do. Not. Apologize. A guy would NEVER apologize, even if he screamed at another guy, so let that be. Show up and be nice and professional. Your boss was innapropriate and he is PAID for the privledge of doing his job right and you expect him to do so, since he failed in this area you were right to bring it up. I work with all men, my last job was ALL women, seriously, and no one apologizes at this place. It is a new day and time to move forward.
As for the cobbler? Again, move forward, And don’t grace those people with home baked goodies ever again, I mean, do they bring such things in? No? Then you don’t either.
Sorry for your yucky day, but we really, really do all have them. It’s okay, go forward, not back, do not apologize, be brave, and tell your hubby that he can do all the cleaning if it bugs him that much
August 19th, 2009 at 1:46 am
Don’t apologize for it, unless it’s your boss. Your coworkers can suck it. We need to talk. My best friend here called me a slob yesterday. She meant my house, but still. Rough!
August 19th, 2009 at 2:32 am
It just sucks that men are the norm, and women are the “other” that need to conform to THEM.
I say, move on, do your good job as you do it.
August 19th, 2009 at 2:54 am
I am sorry things got so bad for you. I agre with a lot of the above posters, especially Melissa.
Be gentle with yourself. I don’t know what led up to the crying and yelling, but it sounds like you must have been under a lot of pressure to react so strongly.
I hate crying when I get angry or upset in front of coworkers too.
August 19th, 2009 at 3:54 am
In the 10 years I’ve been at my job, I”ve had two major meltdowns. Both times I went sobbing to my boss’s boss, who gave me some great advice both times. I think it just happens every now and then, so don’t apologize. Or even worry. The men you work with are lucky to have you and not another smelley man.
Don’t give it a second thought! They are lucky to have you.
August 19th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
I agree with everyone who said “DO NOT APOLOGIZE!”
And this is harder, but do everything you can to pretend that you aren’t even self-conscious about what happened. Fake being the way you’ve always been with them, until you actually feel that way again.
And give the cobbler and future sweet treats that you want to share to the girls and other volunteers on your church committee. Or to Babboo’s teachers.
I had a major absolute horrific meltdown in the exit interview at the end of my 2nd post college job.
We worked with emotionally disturbed teenagers, including at least one youth whom the staff all knew to have sexual orientation/gender identity “issues.” And yet, most of the staff as well as the kids routinely used the word “gay” as a generic perjoritive for anything they disliked. I heard, “That’s so gay” approximately 20-30x/day while working there.
Of course I hated it on a personal level, but it REALLY upset me on behalf of this kid. We were supposed to be a safe, theraputic environment for him, and yet he had to listen to his entire team of caregivers casually mock who he was on a daily basis.
So in my exit interview, I tried to explain that to the Exec Dir. And at the end of it, while I was struggling to control my tears, she very kindly said, “You know, you aren’t the first young lesbian to sit in my office like this.”
And I completely lost it, out of the frustration of her having COMPLETELY MISSED THE POINT. I gave up, got the conversation over with as soon as I could, and abandoned that poor kid. (To be fair to her, I’m sure I was much less articulate about my point at the time.)
August 20th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
I’ll also chime in to say DO NOT apologize to your coworkers. You have nothing to apologize for. So you cried, maybe you made them uncomfortable for a moment. They’ve made you uncomfortable plenty of times and I’m positive they’ve never apologized for it. It would just draw more attention to it.
If you want to apologize to your boss for letting emotions get the best of you, fine. But if you don’t, also fine.
I’m really sorry!
August 21st, 2009 at 3:26 am
I concur with your other commenters – no apology except to the boss. And if the boss was wrong, then don’t. You’ve been there 12 years without incident, so I think you’ve earned a meltdown.
On a related note, I started my new job on Monday, and I wore the pendant that I won from you last year. I also had a boneheaded first two days. But I don’t blame the pendant.
August 25th, 2009 at 1:27 am
OK, I am late to this party, but I agree with those who said the only person who would require an apology is your boss, but since he apologize to you for the reason you were upset in the first place, I’d say you guys are even. I’m sorry that happened to you.
Also, being the delicate flower that I am, I have ugly cried in front of bosses over work-related frustrations twice since graduating college and once in front of my VP. You are definitely not alone!