In which I talk about being pregnant, even though I’m not currently pregnant
Posted by Isabel on October 15th, 2009. Filed under: Me.When you first pee on that stick and get a positive, I assume the typical lady finds herself excited, giddy, thrilled and ready to make phone calls to share her good news with the world. I imagine the typical lady immediately begins planning her nursery, picking out baby names, and shopping for little pajamas.
When I pee on that stick my hands are shaky and my heart is beating fast. When I get a positive my stomach begins to lurch. While it’s always exciting, for me it’s also it’s own kind of scary. We don’t tell anyone about that stick. We don’t pick out names. We don’t make plans for the nursery.
We just wait.
But while we wait, life must go on. I do the same routine I alway do. I go to work and church and spend time with friends and family. Even though I’m throwing up. Even though I’m scared of feeling any cramping or seeing any type of bleeding. I go to every doctor’s appointment, prepared. Prepared to see that first heartbeat. And then I go back, prepared to not see a heartbeat.
When we lost this last baby in March the doctor told us we needed to wait to try again for the amount of time I had been pregnant. That meant that in July we had the “go ahead” to hop aboard the unprotected sex train. Again.
In July The King was laid off from his job. We made an adult decision to put off trying for another baby.
We’re coming up on one year. One year since I peed on that last stick in the bathroom stall at work and got that horrible lurching in my stomach. Another year.
I’m afraid of peeing on another stick and getting another positive and then looking at yet another heart on the monitor that has stopped beating.
I get pregnant if The King walks by me without his clothes on. Which means as soon as we do hop aboard the unprotected sex train I’ll be peeing on another stick and seeing another positive.
It’s hard for me to get excited about peeing on that stick.
(We’ll get back to lighter pirate-themed posts shortly. We have names to finalize and stories to tell.)
October 15th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
I completely understand. Our first try resulted in a double miscarriage — either twins or two masses of tissue or…something. One miscarried naturally, the other wasn’t growing and had to be chemically flushed.
The next time we got pregs it wasn’t a joyous occasion, but a nerve-wreaking one. Sure, we had some optimism, but most of it was very cautious, very controlled, and steeped in fear. Fortunately, at the end the result was our beautiful boy and everything went swimmingly.
But that doesn’t mean we won’t fear the next time, too.
October 15th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
Just wanted to tell you that you’re not alone in the fear in your stomach thing. My son was a total surprise, so much so, that I was shaking for hours afterward. It was fear, but just from the shock, not from something bigger. He was born 9 months later with a birth defect that required a ton of work and even more medical expenses. 16 months later, we’re paying off that debt. He’s healthy and happy, but I’m so scared to do this again. So yes, if I ever test positive again, that feeling will be there, but for a totally different reason than you. I have a lot to be grateful for.
Anyway, all that to say, hang in there. You’re not alone.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
You’ve had such a rough go of it, my heart really really goes out to you. I don’t know what else to say, everything seems trite in response to what you’ve been through. Every choice is a hard one. Take care!
October 15th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
i know this i so internet-creepy, but i was just thinking about you having a baby the other day. i always think about the blog author’s i read, even though irl i only know a handful. at any rate, i think it will happen for you. im confident it will. heavenly father most def has someone waiting to join your family! i’ll say a prayer for y’all that it is an easy task this next go-around.
October 15th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
I don’t really have anything to say except bleh. I wish you could pee on the stick and just be excited without all the extra stuff.
October 15th, 2009 at 11:35 pm
Right there with you–I’ve gotten to the point where I see a positive pregnancy pee-stick as more like a positive ovulation predictor stick: it might mean I’ll get a baby out of the deal, but probably not.
I so hope for you that the next time you pee on a stick, it brings only unequivocal good news.
October 16th, 2009 at 6:27 am
Hang in there. The Lord has picked a season for u and it may happen.
i bet your other children beyond the veil can’t wait to see u. That’s no consolation but something to look forward to, eh?
October 16th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Really? Is anyone really excited to pee on a stick? It’s so gross (literally. Ew.) And terrifying. And crazy. And your life will never be the same, and holy cow, how do you take care of another kid, and how do you deal with the heartbreak and everything that can go wrong, and what if something happens, and how much is this going to cost, and can I really handle this? It’s so overwhelming! To sum up, I totally understand your point of view. I mean, I like babies & all. They just take a little time for me to get used to them. And the commitment I’ve made to try to raise them into decent little people (again with being overwhelmed. Dude.)
October 17th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
I love you. That’s all.
October 17th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
You are a great person. I heart you. I hope that everything turns out great for you, because you deserve it.
October 19th, 2009 at 12:08 am
I’m so sorry you and The King have so much to worry about when it comes to adding to your family. You are wonderful parents, and Babboo will be an awesome big brother. I will keep you all in my prayers.
xoxo
October 19th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
Our first pregnancy after the loss of Rose, which was also to be our last pregnancy, was very difficult for me. I wish, oh I wish, that I could have enjoyed it more. I was on edge for the duration.
Will be thinking of you as you think about peeing on sticks.
October 19th, 2009 at 9:54 pm
If I was the type I’d send you hugs in some kind of emoticon way. Since I am not the type, just know that I will think happy stay-pregnant thoughts and hopes for you.
October 21st, 2009 at 6:45 pm
I still get nauseous when I think about my miscarriage and I have 2 healthy crazy little kids. And getting pregnant a third time (which produced my latest baby) after having just the one miscarriage was a total leap of faith. Probably a bigger leap of faith than anything I’ve ever done before. I still miss my baby who never grew a heart. I don’t know how you have survived multiple miscarriages and I think you’re one of the toughest people on this planet.
But what I’m really waiting on is more pirate talk…
October 27th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
I understand what you mean. The dread wrestles with the thrill and totally does a number on you. When the time comes for that next ultrasound, I really hope you see a big thumpity thump.